I’m going to share the wonderful, slightly embarrassing story of when Stephen proposed to me.

January 26, 2008

Stephen and I lived in a tiny apartment in Decatur – which is a lovely little town right on the outskirts of downtown Atlanta.  I desperately want to move back there and buy a home, but that’s off the subject.

One of my best friends was getting married that May and I was a bridesmaid, which came with a whole host of drama and responsibilities, but we got it done and she’s happily married living in Florida.

That Saturday morning, all the bridesmaids were supposed to meet at Kelly’s apartment to go dress shopping.  It was the second dress shopping excursion since she couldn’t find anything she liked yet – ever have that problem, brides?  We were supposed to meet just before lunch.

I overslept.

When my bleary morning fog cleared and I looked at the clock, I freaked out.  Jumped out of bed, sent a frantic text to Kelly to say I was on my way (heh) and jumped in the shower.  Stephen was in the office working on something or playing a video game, I’m not sure.

Quick explanation of apartment layout.  The two bedrooms were side by side with the bathroom just to the right of the second bedroom, which we used as an office.  In order to go from the bathroom to the actual bedroom, you pass the office.

So I’m in the shower, scrubbing fast, brushing my teeth, and my mind is spinning with everything that has to get done that day.  I couldn’t believe I was running late for dress shopping!  I felt like I was letting her down and being a bad bridesmaid, etc etc.

I bundle my hair up in an awesomely sexy towel turban, grab my pjs from the floor and dash out of the bathroom butt naked.

Stephen is on one knee in the office doorway.

My mind goes blank.  I think I asked him what he was doing.

He pulls out this little wooden box with a gorgeous white gold ring with a sapphire center stone and accompanying diamonds and asks me to marry him.  I managed to stammer out an “Uh-huh.”

Later, I found out he’d had this whole thing planned to show up at Kelly’s apartment later and propose to me there but he didn’t want to detract from Kelly’s bride day so he just decided to do it that morning.

Besides, being blindsided with a proposal while you’re naked, partially dripping wet because you didn’t towel off entirely, and completely not paying attention to anything else but what you’re doing wrong is a WAY better story.

Two years.

It may not seem like much to most people.  To us, it’s awesome.  This is our first anniversary as parents – granted I was hugely pregnant last year this time.  There’s a whirlwind happening right now – Olivia turning one; our impending move and all the doors it opens.  Today, we take a step back from it all and celebrate that very special, somewhat rainy, beautiful, wonderful day two years ago.

To my partner in this crazy adventure.

I love you.  More than words could express.  More than any card or any gift could convey.  I’m still ever so grateful you took the plunge and surprised me that day in our old apartment.  We’ve had so many ups and so many downs.  We’ve fought.  We’ve laughed.  We’ve cried.  We produced an incredibly adorable off-spring.  We’re moving halfway across the country on a hope.

And we’re doing it all together.  And will continue to do so many years into the future.

I wish I had something more eloquent to say.  But.

I’m having a blast showing off all our fancy wedding photos.

This was our [royal] fairytale wedding.  And we remember and loved every bit of it.

oh my word

My baby currently has a crazy two sided thing going on right now.  During the day, she’s happy, lovely, adventurous, babbling, eating, loving and she naps.  During the night?

oh.my.

I blame teeth.  I blame growing.  I blame solid food.  I blame the weather.  I blame our house.  I blame me.  I blame whatever nasty thing is in her body causing her to wake up and scream for no reason.  Well, I’m sure there’s a reason.  But all she can do is cry.  And all I can do is run down my list of things to try.  Rock, nurse, tylenol, new diaper, new pjs, walk around, soothe, etc etc etc until she calms and I can lay her down.

2-3 hours later.  Rinse. Repeat.

And I [know] it’s a phase and I [know] it will pass and I [know] that every other mama out there with an infant is going through this exact thing at one point or another.  It’s just…

hard

she’s a hard baby at night.

So, let’s focus on the daytime and leave the night for the darkness and the half-asleep zombie memories…

Helping with laundry

We’re moving in two months.  With that comes a host of nervous excitement, stress over the actual planning of the physical move itself, wonder over the future, questioning our decisions again and again, and big BIG dreams of all the great things we’re going to do.  For those of you new to the blog, we’re moving in with my parents in mid-May on their farm just outside of St. Louis.  We are in a bit of financial straits due to our own screw-ups and a LOT of bad luck (i.e. our insurance refusing to cover my pregnancy/birth….bastards).  The goal is to be looking for [hopefully] a place of our own to buy (ideally) or rent by beginning of 2012.

So that’s that.

And I’m [so excited] to be moving back home.  And I’m also [so nervous] that my husband is about to uproot everything he’s ever known and move his family 600 miles back to the place his wife desperately escaped over a decade ago.

Funny how things come back around…

Along with the moving preparations, there have been a lot of personal workings around here.  There have been some coming to verbal blows conversations around here that have, in the end, been [good] and [needed].  I’m so lucky, you guys, to have a husband who will push me to talk to him and then we fight and then we figure out what the other is trying to say or has been feeling or (mis)understood something and then it’s all good and better than before.

We make a good team, he and I.

I’m lucky in that.  And I know it.

Me?

Oh I’m just playing mom and wife and trying to figure [me] out.  I think back on my pregnancy when I stayed home all day growing a baby and I desperately try to remember what I did all day long.  Now, I’m trying to cram learning knitting, sewing or crocheting into 2 hour baby naps while simultaneously thinking about blog posts, design projects and what the heck I’m going to make for dinner.  Top that off with fighting feelings of guilt that I do nothing to bring in any money for this family even though Stephen has told me a hundred times that I’m doing [exactly] what I should be doing and how much he appreciates it.

There’s a balance somewhere and I’m still trying to find it.  I keep telling myself, after we move, and after the money is under control again, and after you have your own place again, you’ll find it.

Soooo…a year?  To find balance?

I shake my head and hope that isn’t the case.

In the meantime, I have an idea for a small craft project but I need your help.  If you have any scrap fabric that you would otherwise throw away, I will gladly take it off your hands.  I want to craft some things to maybe sell for a little money towards Olivia’s first birthday.

If you are interested in helping me out, email me at tristina.wright at gmail and I can send you my address.

For all the moms out there, what balance are you working to find?  Have you found it?  What do you do [for you] that helps keep things somewhat in check?

This happened around Thanksgiving in 2005 and has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day but, for some reason, I always think of it when I think of Valentine’s Day.

Stephen and I had only been dating for about three weeks so, when I went to spend Thanksgiving with my dad in Florida, Stephen stayed in Atlanta with his family.

obviously

We talked on the phone a few times.  I mentioned that I was “seeing someone” to my dad and murmured a few details but kept it mostly under my hat.  Which was totally not like me AT ALL.  Usually I prattle on and on

and on

and on

about the guy I’m dating.

But Stephen?

There was [something] I couldn’t quite put my finger on that was [different].

The drive from Atlanta to Fort Myers was about nine hours and I hit traffic on the way back.  I’d left a key with Stephen so he would check on my ferrets while I was gone and, as I was pulling into Atlanta, I called him.  He was at my apartment and waiting for me.

yay

When I got home, late, I sleepily lugged my duffel to my apartment and walked in

and it was empty.

momentary disappointment

I started to unpack, cuddled my ferrets and played with them on the couch.

About ten minutes later, I heard a key in the lock.  Stephen walked through the door with a single rose and apologized for not being there when I arrived.

That [something] pricked at me again…

and I fell in love.

“A really huge storm is going to hit the Midwest.  I should call my mom and make sure they’re going to be okay.”

*gets out his laptop and looks up the storm radar*

“And you want to move there?”

I [think] we’re past the worst of the sleep regression.  She slept really well for a few nights; woke up a few times the last couple of nights.  But, overall, she’s settling back into her pattern.

Whatever her pattern is.  I just go with it.  There’s no reasoning with her or explaining to her how important sleep is for mommy.  There’s just [cry....I need mama...] and [respond].  We ebb and flow together, depending on daddy for support and comfort when mama needs to cry.

Which happens.

at 3am

when sleep seems so elusive yet my body is about to fold in half and crumple

I remind myself that she’ll [eventually] grow out of it.  That we’ll have sleep-filled nights again one day.

maybe when she goes to college

Olivia finally mastered traditional crawling.  I thought for sure her army crawl, sit up, scoot, swivel was going to be it and she’d move from that to walking.  But she had one more step in her brain to work out.

And I think that’s largely what was disrupting her sleep.

I still can’t believe we are moving in just a few short months.  I’m counting it down in terms of paydays.  Today is payday for Stephen.  We have six more paydays until we move.

Six.

A single digit.

If I were productive and forward-thinking at all, I’d start packing now.  Packing up all the things we don’t need.  Maybe even shipping some of it to my parents’ house to save on moving costs.

Perhaps I will.  Perhaps I won’t.  Since we’re moving after Olivia’s first birthday, I don’t know that I want to have a birthday party amongst packing boxes.  That’s kind of sad in a way.

happy birthday.  bye now.

I had a dream the other night that we managed to get our finances so in order, we were able to finance the building of our own house from the ground up.  And it was a perfect house.  Room enough for the big family I want to have.  Room enough for Stephen and I to pursue all the activities and hobbies we love.

Wouldn’t that be so grand?

I’d like to think something like that isn’t outside the realm of possibility.  If we work hard.  Stick to our plan.  Do everything we can to scrape ourselves out of this hole.

Then build anew.  A second chance.  A chance to be smart and stable.  A chance to give our children something firm and solid.

grand ideas and dreams

You know what else?

I realized that this will be the first time in over a decade that I will be spending my birthday with my family.

That makes me [ridiculously] happy.

Warning, today’s happy is (pardon the rhyme) somewhat sappy.

My happy is my husband, Stephen.

I don’t think I really say enough good things about him.  Stephen and I both come from divorced homes.  Our parents, thankfully, remarried to [wonderful] partners that we have both come to love and consider parents.  Consequently, both of us have this unspoken desire to break that cycle.

I met Stephen in 2005 while working for a real estate firm downtown.  He worked upstairs in my company’s sister company doing data entry.  He happened to work in the cubicle next to a very good friend of mine.

And, one day, I casually mentioned to her that I thought the guy that worked next to her was [really cute].

Her wheels began to spin and, over the next few months, she would ask us both to lunch, down for coffee breaks and smoke breaks.

One thing led to another, we went out for trivia one night together and that was that.  He moved in with me about three months later.  We were married in 2009.  Olivia was born in 2010.

And he is the most amazing husband, father and best friend I could ever ask for.

Of course, it hasn’t all been rainbows and unicorns.  Marriage is [work] and parenting? More [work].

But it is oh so rewarding.

And right now?

Stephen is making such a leap and a sacrifice for his family – for me and Olivia.  He’s moving us to St. Louis so I can be with my family and Olivia can be near her cousins.  He’s leaving his own family – that security and comfort he’s known his whole life – and moving his wife and child 600 miles across the country in an effort to do what is best for us.

And I can’t be more grateful or in love than I am right now.

We are embarking on a new adventure for our little family of three.  It will be new and more [work] but it will be good and amazing and healthy.

And I couldn’t be happier with my husband.  He is

perfect

…

For more info on the Finding the Happy Project, including the rules, read all about it here.

Don’t forget to grab the button and come back every Monday to link up your Happy!

Finding the Happy: Our Happy Collection of Links

I was waiting a little bit before writing about this but Facebook had an announcement and then questions.  I was going to let Stephen talk to two more people that need to be talked to.

However.

Here goes.

We’re moving to St. Louis.

officially.  really.  moving.

in May.  after Olivia’s first birthday.

I know I’ve hinted around at it, spoke vaguely about it, talked about my homesickness and “wouldn’t it be nice if…”

But now it’s real as of last night when we told Stephen’s parents.  And, as expected, they’re really upset.

The reasons are many.  And that’s what I primarily want to write about.  Hopefully to help people understand the [why] even if it’s unhappy and not desirable.

Stephen and I have been talking about moving to St. Louis since last August.  Like, really, seriously talking about it and when and how and what would need to be done to make that work.  When we visited last summer to surprise my mom, Stephen remarked to me offhandedly that he could live there with no problem.  He knows my homesickness and my ache at being so far away from my family so for him to say something like that was [big] and not something he would have just flippantly said.  There was intent behind those words and an unspoken promise at that point.

Then the wheels began to turn, rolling towards a destination known but down a path unknown.  How could we move there?  What about Stephen’s job?  What about the baby?  What about Stephen’s family?

I’ve spoken of my homesickness many times on this blog.  You guys know that the ache to be home runs deep in my soul.  Ever since my mom and I repaired our relationship about five years ago, we’ve become incredibly close.  When it was just Stephen and I, living 600 miles away from my family, while not ideal, was live-with-able.  I was fine with it and fine to visit and talk on the phone and what not.

Then I had a baby.

And this ache to be near my mom became more than just a desire, a [wouldn't that be nice].  It became a need.  I don’t know if it’s a mom thing.  Or a daughter thing.  Or a me thing.  Maybe some of you other moms can weigh in on that one.

I find myself [needing] to have my mom around, sad when I get off the phone with her, despondent for days when we return home from a visit to see her.

And it’s not just my mom.  I haven’t lived at home, in that city, in that house, in over a decade.  My brother and I, while we get along famously, don’t actually know a ton about each other.  I don’t know my sister in law at all and that upsets me.  She’s the mother of my brother’s children and I know hardly anything about her.  What did she want to be when she grew up?  What does she love?  What does she hate?  Does she enjoy these things here that I enjoy?

I have no idea.

and that bothers me

a lot

And my nephews.  Olivia’s cousins.  Oh the joy there in those two boys.  The instant affection between them and Olivia.  The gentle and the happy.

I had that growing up with my uncle’s daughters.  I loved being around my cousins pretty much any time I wanted.  Stephen had a cousin he was extremely close to and visited constantly.  We want that for our daughter and all our future children.

So, there are my reasons.  And they are all [I hope] understandable…and valid…

Stephen’s reasons.

He has lived his whole life around his family.  and that is not meant in any way to demean or discredit that AT ALL.  In fact, that has made him the man he is today.  I have never met anyone who has a stronger sense of family, community and loyalty.  He is proud of his family and loves all of them deeply.  And that love and that bond has, in turn, helped him become an amazing husband and father and I would [never] have it any other way.

He knows the value of having family nearby always.  And he wants to give that to me.  He also wants to see what it’s like “on his own” away and off and yonder.

a change of scenery from this state to a different one

new opportunities come what may

Yes, he is moving largely because of me.  But I don’t want to be “that wife” or “that daughter in law” or “that mom” that spirited him and Olivia halfway across the country for my own selfish purposes.  He wants to go, too, and he has his own personal reasons for it that actually don’t have anything to do with me or my family.

I hope that makes sense.

The financial part of it is actually the last piece to the puzzle.  The last impetus.

Originally, we wanted the move to be to our own place in St. Louis.  A house.  That *maybe* we bought and owned and all that happy.

But then our debt became too much.  Threats of collections have caused us to use credit cards we didn’t want to use.  Our rainy day fund was used up paying off medical bills and the like.  And we’re left with a pile of accumulating interest that eats away more and more of Stephen’s paycheck each month.

We never wanted the financial to be a part of it.  We never wanted that to be a motivating factor.  We never wanted it to come to this.

But we’re drowning and this gives us the ability to get back on our feet.

My parents own a nearly 200 year old farmhouse that was added onto twice over the decades.  The result is a large, beautiful home that they only, actually, use about half.  So they have ample room for us to live there while we get our finances under control.

I haven’t lived in that house since I turned 18 and left for college.

It’s not ideal but it’s a solution to this very real and very stressful situation.

But it’s not just a house to move into.  If it was just that, we’d accept the offers we’re getting from family here in Atlanta.  It’s more and what I’ve said above.

Everyone here is upset and I’m trying to find the excitement I [should] feel at getting to go home and be with my mom and my brother.  But all I feel is guilt.  I do feel like “that wife” and “that daughter in law” and “that mom” … Whether there’s a modicum of that in reality or it’s all just in my head, I can’t get the weight of it out of my heart.

The reality is this.

We’re moving in May after Olivia’s first birthday.  Stephen, because his boss is AMAZING and AWESOME, will keep his job here in Atlanta and [maybe] even score them some St. Louis clients in the future.  He will return for probably a week every month to attend meetings and work in his company’s office and see his family.  Every few months (or as often as we can manage it), Olivia and I will come back with him for a visit.

It’s not the ideal solution.  I mean, if I could fold the map and put St. Louis and Atlanta side by side, I would in a heartbeat.  If we could have both families all together in one city, that would be perfect and wonderful.

But it isn’t.

and we have to do what’s best….or, rather, the best option at the time….for our family.

Like I said, we’ve been discussing this since last August.  We’ve gone through all the ramifications of it in our heads and hearts.  We’ve weighed every option and every alternative and thought and talked and prayed and thought and talked some more.

This wasn’t made lightly.

I miss my family so much it hurts.  Stephen wants what’s best for us and to forge his own relationship with my family.  Our finances are dire.

I don’t actually really know how to end this.

I just hope something I’ve said helps to explain the reasoning, the impetus, the motivations, the thoughts behind it all.

My heart and head are in turmoil now.  I feel like I’m ripping something apart that has so many roots and ties.  I feel like there will be resentment.  Stephen tells me not to worry.  That the sadness will pass; that there will be no resentment; that there is no “blame” or “fault”; and after the sadness passes, there will be support and understanding.

My head believes him.

My heart still feels guilty.

It’s November 30.

That means NaBloPoMo is over.

And I win.

Hooray!

I just realized my mug is empty. I need a refill.  Talk amongst yourselves for a minute.

Good conversation?

Oh the holidays are upon us and, with them, come family, decorations, sweets, so much food, gifts, cold weather and so much more.  I guess I’m looking at the holidays differently this year because they’re Olivia’s first ones and I want them to be as special as they can be even though she’s too young to remember them.  It’s all about imprint and sensation more at this point than forming actual memories.

I love that her first Christmas will be around the same tree that I grew up with.  That makes me so happy beyond words.  And I cannot [wait] to see her playing with wrapping paper and bows and the boxes her toys come in.

As you should.

The boxes are [way] more fun.

And, with the holidays comes the inevitable looking ahead to the new year.

Lots of changes on the horizon for this little family.  Change is good.  Change is desperately needed.  We’ve hit a rut, a bump, a snag, a spinning carousel, treading water, what have you.  And we need to change direction.

Some of it is motivated by desire.  Some of it is motivated by need.  Some of it is motivated by money.

I know I’ve been intentionally vague when I talk about any of this.  It’s because most of it is just talk and ideas and “It would be nice if…” or “We can try to…by this time…”  Nothing is “Yes we’re doing it now…”

Not yet.

But when it is, I’ll let you know.

And hopefully you’ll be happy for us.  And not sad.

I’m getting a free distance Reiki session this week.  I’m excited.  And nervous.  And intrigued.  I hope it helps calm the tumult of stress, emotions and thoughts in my soul.  That’s my goal – calm.

Even if it’s for a moment.

Stephen has begun meditation based on a holistic view that his parents use.  It’s helping him deal with his own stress.

Which is, in turn, helping us out as parents and a couple and a family.

You know, I was going to write about something entirely different today and just ended up rambling.  I hope that’s okay.  Apparently my heart needed to say something else today.

This morning is a coffe [and] tea sort of a morning.

We managed to schedule her 6 month pediatrician appointment during the middle of normal nap time.  Sooooo, we’re [trying] to get up an hour earlier so she’ll go down for a  nap an hour earlier so her naptime isn’t [as] interrupted.

She’s currently partying in her crib.

I’m starting to dislike taking her to her well visits.  No, nothing has happened.  The staff and doctors are nice beyond words.  I just have this weird sort of gut feeling when I walk in there like I’m going to get yelled at for something I’m doing “wrong.”  And I’m not.  I know that.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe it’s the whole being a new mom combined with my instant defensiveness when I’m trying to look like I know what I’m doing.  Like if I had another kid or six under my belt, I would have “more credentials” and examples of glowing success to point to.

Do you ever feel that way?

We haven’t started her on solid foods, yet.  And we’re both [fine] with that.  She doesn’t need them anyway.  My breastmilk is [obviously] just fine.

Honestly, does this baby need to be supplemented?

Whatever.

It’s probably all in my head.

At least, I hope it is.

Stephen told me not to worry.  That it’s not a big deal.

[rawr]

Yesterday, I took Olivia up to the place I got married to see Julie, the owner, and the rest of the staff.  They hadn’t met her, yet, and have been asking for, oh, about six months to see her.  And it was delicious.

Olivia was all grins and giggles for everyone.  She let Julie hold her.  She played on the floor.  It was so great to get out of the house and to visit the place I was married just a year and a half ago.  It’s beautiful and peaceful up there.  If you or someone you know is either getting married in Atlanta, or is willing to have their wedding in another city, get married there.

Just do it.

…so much for her morning nap…

My mom is coming this weekend to visit.

I. Can’t. Wait.

I’ve been trying to write this blog all day but Olivia would have everyone believe she is starvingtodeathomgcomegetmenow.

All day.

Thankfully, Stephen is home now and is napping with her on the couch so I have brief bit of quiet time.  Let’s see how long it lasts.

Last night, my birthday night, was amazing and perfect.  My husband is unbelievably awesome and romantic.

The original plan was to catch the A-Team movie and then get some sushi and sake, two things I was prevented from having during my pregnancy.  He then told me yesterday that, after sushi, he was taking me “somewhere to get a drink.”

So I got all dolled up because I can.

And, leaving Olivia in the very capable hands of Stephen’s parents, we went out for date night.

Unfortunately, by the time I was finished getting ready, explaining things to Stephen’s mom, and we made to Atlantic Station, we’d missed the 5pm showing of A-Team.  Stephen suggested we go across the street to The Grape and grab a glass of wine and maybe we’d catch the next showing at 7pm.

Lo and Behold, The Grape is featuring Spanish wines.

We both miss Spain tremendously and this brought back happy memories of our fabulous honeymoon in Málaga.  We ordered the Spanish Wine Flight, which featured two reds and a white, and a couple of appetizers so the alcohol wouldn’t go straight to my head.

After nearly a year of not drinking, I’m very much a lightweight.

We got to chatting and, can I just say, it was fantastic to sit there with my husband and just talk to him.  I feel like I haven’t just sat and talked with him in forever.

Time wound on and we decided to just forgo the movie and head straight to dinner as we didn’t want to keep his parents up late with the baby and, of course, we wanted to get back to her in a timely manner.

Onto Thaicoon Sushi Bar where I had luscious Nigiri, tasty sushi rolls and smooth, smooth unfiltered Sake.  Cold and delicious.

We stayed there for a while.

It started to rain and Stephen, looking disappointed, mentioned the rain was probably going to ruin his surprise for me.  Thoroughly confused as to what it was, I told him to just take me there anyway.  Thankfully the rain let up and nearly stopped by the time we reached our destination.

The Sun Dial restaurant at the top of the Westin Hotel – the tallest hotel in the Western Hemisphere (according to them).  The Sun Dial spins and offers unbelievable views of Atlanta and the surrounding areas.  We didn’t make it for sunset but it was still amazing anyway.  I’d never been up there so it was a real treat.  Our waitress, upon hearing it was my birthday, brought me my champagne with a strawberry on the rim and a birthday candle in the strawberry.  It was so cute!

Then we had the most amazing gooey fudge brownie for dessert.  I swear, that thing should be illegal.  It was positively sinful.

We start our diets next week…

And, to top it all off, he told me that as soon as he gets a check he’s expecting from his company, I’m getting a Netbook for my birthday present!  I’ve been wanting one for a long time because I want to start back into my writing again but want the portability because of the baby.  I’m so excited!

My husband is win.