I was waiting a little bit before writing about this but Facebook had an announcement and then questions.  I was going to let Stephen talk to two more people that need to be talked to.

However.

Here goes.

We’re moving to St. Louis.

officially.  really.  moving.

in May.  after Olivia’s first birthday.

I know I’ve hinted around at it, spoke vaguely about it, talked about my homesickness and “wouldn’t it be nice if…”

But now it’s real as of last night when we told Stephen’s parents.  And, as expected, they’re really upset.

The reasons are many.  And that’s what I primarily want to write about.  Hopefully to help people understand the [why] even if it’s unhappy and not desirable.

Stephen and I have been talking about moving to St. Louis since last August.  Like, really, seriously talking about it and when and how and what would need to be done to make that work.  When we visited last summer to surprise my mom, Stephen remarked to me offhandedly that he could live there with no problem.  He knows my homesickness and my ache at being so far away from my family so for him to say something like that was [big] and not something he would have just flippantly said.  There was intent behind those words and an unspoken promise at that point.

Then the wheels began to turn, rolling towards a destination known but down a path unknown.  How could we move there?  What about Stephen’s job?  What about the baby?  What about Stephen’s family?

I’ve spoken of my homesickness many times on this blog.  You guys know that the ache to be home runs deep in my soul.  Ever since my mom and I repaired our relationship about five years ago, we’ve become incredibly close.  When it was just Stephen and I, living 600 miles away from my family, while not ideal, was live-with-able.  I was fine with it and fine to visit and talk on the phone and what not.

Then I had a baby.

And this ache to be near my mom became more than just a desire, a [wouldn't that be nice].  It became a need.  I don’t know if it’s a mom thing.  Or a daughter thing.  Or a me thing.  Maybe some of you other moms can weigh in on that one.

I find myself [needing] to have my mom around, sad when I get off the phone with her, despondent for days when we return home from a visit to see her.

And it’s not just my mom.  I haven’t lived at home, in that city, in that house, in over a decade.  My brother and I, while we get along famously, don’t actually know a ton about each other.  I don’t know my sister in law at all and that upsets me.  She’s the mother of my brother’s children and I know hardly anything about her.  What did she want to be when she grew up?  What does she love?  What does she hate?  Does she enjoy these things here that I enjoy?

I have no idea.

and that bothers me

a lot

And my nephews.  Olivia’s cousins.  Oh the joy there in those two boys.  The instant affection between them and Olivia.  The gentle and the happy.

I had that growing up with my uncle’s daughters.  I loved being around my cousins pretty much any time I wanted.  Stephen had a cousin he was extremely close to and visited constantly.  We want that for our daughter and all our future children.

So, there are my reasons.  And they are all [I hope] understandable…and valid…

Stephen’s reasons.

He has lived his whole life around his family.  and that is not meant in any way to demean or discredit that AT ALL.  In fact, that has made him the man he is today.  I have never met anyone who has a stronger sense of family, community and loyalty.  He is proud of his family and loves all of them deeply.  And that love and that bond has, in turn, helped him become an amazing husband and father and I would [never] have it any other way.

He knows the value of having family nearby always.  And he wants to give that to me.  He also wants to see what it’s like “on his own” away and off and yonder.

a change of scenery from this state to a different one

new opportunities come what may

Yes, he is moving largely because of me.  But I don’t want to be “that wife” or “that daughter in law” or “that mom” that spirited him and Olivia halfway across the country for my own selfish purposes.  He wants to go, too, and he has his own personal reasons for it that actually don’t have anything to do with me or my family.

I hope that makes sense.

The financial part of it is actually the last piece to the puzzle.  The last impetus.

Originally, we wanted the move to be to our own place in St. Louis.  A house.  That *maybe* we bought and owned and all that happy.

But then our debt became too much.  Threats of collections have caused us to use credit cards we didn’t want to use.  Our rainy day fund was used up paying off medical bills and the like.  And we’re left with a pile of accumulating interest that eats away more and more of Stephen’s paycheck each month.

We never wanted the financial to be a part of it.  We never wanted that to be a motivating factor.  We never wanted it to come to this.

But we’re drowning and this gives us the ability to get back on our feet.

My parents own a nearly 200 year old farmhouse that was added onto twice over the decades.  The result is a large, beautiful home that they only, actually, use about half.  So they have ample room for us to live there while we get our finances under control.

I haven’t lived in that house since I turned 18 and left for college.

It’s not ideal but it’s a solution to this very real and very stressful situation.

But it’s not just a house to move into.  If it was just that, we’d accept the offers we’re getting from family here in Atlanta.  It’s more and what I’ve said above.

Everyone here is upset and I’m trying to find the excitement I [should] feel at getting to go home and be with my mom and my brother.  But all I feel is guilt.  I do feel like “that wife” and “that daughter in law” and “that mom” … Whether there’s a modicum of that in reality or it’s all just in my head, I can’t get the weight of it out of my heart.

The reality is this.

We’re moving in May after Olivia’s first birthday.  Stephen, because his boss is AMAZING and AWESOME, will keep his job here in Atlanta and [maybe] even score them some St. Louis clients in the future.  He will return for probably a week every month to attend meetings and work in his company’s office and see his family.  Every few months (or as often as we can manage it), Olivia and I will come back with him for a visit.

It’s not the ideal solution.  I mean, if I could fold the map and put St. Louis and Atlanta side by side, I would in a heartbeat.  If we could have both families all together in one city, that would be perfect and wonderful.

But it isn’t.

and we have to do what’s best….or, rather, the best option at the time….for our family.

Like I said, we’ve been discussing this since last August.  We’ve gone through all the ramifications of it in our heads and hearts.  We’ve weighed every option and every alternative and thought and talked and prayed and thought and talked some more.

This wasn’t made lightly.

I miss my family so much it hurts.  Stephen wants what’s best for us and to forge his own relationship with my family.  Our finances are dire.

I don’t actually really know how to end this.

I just hope something I’ve said helps to explain the reasoning, the impetus, the motivations, the thoughts behind it all.

My heart and head are in turmoil now.  I feel like I’m ripping something apart that has so many roots and ties.  I feel like there will be resentment.  Stephen tells me not to worry.  That the sadness will pass; that there will be no resentment; that there is no “blame” or “fault”; and after the sadness passes, there will be support and understanding.

My head believes him.

My heart still feels guilty.

Oh you guys

My mom was here this past weekend.

I have so much to talk about and share, but I’m still letting it all sit in my soul and warm my [entire being].  And I’m trying so hard to not cry because the visit was too short.

Until then,

My Happy

Mama, Me, and Olivia in the very first outfit I've ever sewn

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Finding the Happy: Our Happy Collection of Links

Inspired by Stephanie…

There are many things my heart wants that, maybe someday, I’ll have them…and it will be grand.

but not now

for whatever reason

- My mom has a photo album of me in Germany as a baby/toddler.  I want to take that photo album and Olivia back to those same places and take the same pictures

- I want a hundred acre wood with a lake where my family and Stephen’s family can build homes and we can all live together and grow together

- I want to give birth at home to a perfectly healthy baby and then snuggle in my own bed with my perfectly healthy baby and my husband

- I want to write a story that someone thinks is good enough to publish and put in a real bookstore

- I want to go back to school and study anthropology so I can learn more about where people came from and then watch my children to learn where people are going

- I want to go to sommelier school and become a grand master because I love wine that much

- I want to get a tattoo mural that covers my back and beautifully incorporates my Gaia

What about you?

What does your heart want?

4.) Describe your dream home…house, location, and grounds.

Funny she should have this as one of her prompts because I have been thinking about this nonstop lately for some reason.  Maybe it’s the “starting a family” or “going on our 3rd year of renting this house” or “being in debt to our eyeballs” but whatever it is, I’ve had home of my own on the brain.

And not just home of my own, but an amazing plot of land where family can abide as well.  Commune?  Maybe.

But not in a weird way.

Let’s dream for a minute that Stephen and I suddenly got our hands on roughly a ridiculous amount of money.  The kind you go all Scrooge McDuck on and practice high dive routines into gold coins.

I said dream.

Everyone has a list of what they would do if they won the lottery or inherited a ton of money from a generous relative or found a suitcase full of cash.

Stephen and I have a short, but very specific, list of things we would do for ourselves and our immediate family should we (when we…dammit) ever come into said money.  They include paying off debt, college fund(s), scholarships, vacations, retirement, etc.

The main item (after our debt is gone) is a house of our own.  One we can grow a family and have multiple dogs.

Location

This would be based on a few factors, namely if our parents could retire and live close to us.  Stephen wants to live near his family so he can still be a part of his brothers’ lives.  I want to live near mine pretty much for the same reason and so I can be near my mom because I miss her so bad it makes me all stabby.  We both want our children to be near all their grandparents and cousins as, for the most part, he and I were growing up.

Undoubtedly, though, it would be in the country in or near mountains and within reasonable driving distance to a decent-sized city so we still had all the amenities of city-living without the hassle (and taxes).

Grounds

Lots of them.

With a lake.

And trees.  Good climbing ones.

And room for horses for all the kids to ride.

And room enough that parents and siblings could build homes around the lake and live near enough to each other for visits but far enough away for privacy.  They know what I mean.

And a good portion of it fenced so we don’t have to worry about dogs escaping but they can “wander free” between the houses if they want to.

There would also be a garden.  A huge garden that we would all tend to together and grow our own veggies and herbs and fruits.

It would be amazing.

House

Now, everyone else’s home would be unique to their needs/wants and taste.

Mine?

Stone.  Maybe stone and timber.  But I LOVE stone houses.  Hardwoods throughout.  Tile in the bathrooms.  Huge windows to let in lots of sunlight so I can have a fighting chance of keeping indoor plants alive.

Enough spacious bedrooms for us, three kids, and a guest.  In thinking ahead to teenage years, each room would have its own full bathroom either en suite or just outside.  Minimization of bathroom fights is a must.

My bathroom has a jacuzzi tub.  Period.

And the separate stand-up shower is not only roomy but has a nice ledge so I can shave my legs without falling over.

Our bedroom either has a HUGE walk-in closet or fairly large separate his and hers closets.  I have shoes, y’all.  And dresses.  They need space.

The kitchen would be big enough to entertain with more than enough counter and cabinet space for all our cooking needs.  Stainless steel appliances because I just love how they look.  We’re both a big fan of the open floor plan so either a great room concept or something close for the kitchen, dining area, and family room would be awesome.

A fireplace is a must.

A laundry room with a door that shuts to separate it from everything else would be heaven.

A few extra rooms?  Office for Stephen.  Media room / Man cave for Stephen.  Workshop for Stephen.  Library for me with cozy reading areas and tons of shelving to grow our collection.  A creative room for me where I can write, sew, etc.  A playroom for the kids all decked out with toys and craft stuff.  A wine cellar.

Yes, a wine cellar.  My one “we really don’t need this but we want it” extra.

And a garage.  You don’t realize how much you miss covered parking and extra storage until you don’t have it anymore.

Speaking of storage, either tons of closets or a decent-sized attic or basement to store all our holiday stuff, clothes the kids are outgrowing but I don’t want to part with because I still want another baby, hiding presents, etc.

Outside, in addition to the massive family garden, we’d have an outdoor kitchen for entertaining along with an amazing amount of deck space.

And a swing set.

Of course.

In keeping with my increasingly crunchy nature lately, as green of a house as possible would be wonderful.  Solar panels, rain barrels, compost, recycling, etc.

Dream home?  Yes.

Attainable dream home?

Absolutely…

I realize I haven’t blogged in a while.  I’ll explain why.

The first week of August was spent getting ready and finalizing all the plans for an absolutely amazing surprise for my mom.  I had stuff to talk about but I was so excited and consumed with the surprise that I didn’t want to accidentally give it away in my blog since she reads it.

The second week of August was spent surprising my mom and that involved no computers.

We went home.

Stephen and I packed up Olivia and the dog and a few suitcases and drove the 600 miles to St. Louis to surprise my mom for a week.

She was floored.  It was awesome.

We’d been planning this trip in cohoots with my step-dad for a month.  How I managed to stay quiet about it, I have no idea.  It was SO HARD not to tell her we were coming, especially when she’d mention on the phone how sad she was that she was missing Olivia’s firsts and wasn’t going to get to see her until the fall.  I’d basically try to sound as sorry as possible all the while chewing on the inside of my cheek to keep from bursting out with the confession.

It was worth it, though.  She was so happy.

We spent a week on her farm and I got to see my brother and his family.  The cousins all got to meet for the first time.  My step-dad got to meet his granddaughter for the first time.  My mom dragged out photo albums and my baby clothes so I could take some clothes for Olivia and coo over pictures and compare them to my daughter.

Now, when I say no computers, my parents do own a computer – my old tower actually.  And they have internet.  Stephen even brought his laptop and hacked his phone so he could tether.  I just didn’t want to get on the computer.  I wanted to soak up as much time with my family as possible.  A week sans technology (except my phone) was pretty nice, actually.

I am ridiculously homesick.  I laugh at this because, when I was 18, I could not wait to leave home and get as far away as possible.  Here I am, twelve years later, longing to return so bad it hurts.  It affects my mood, which I hate.  I get grumpy or emotional and I know I can attribute it to my homesickness.  I see a commercial with a mom and her grown-up daughter and it makes me cry.

I’m such a girl.

Does this mean we will move to St. Louis?  Maybe.  I’d like to.  There are several hurdles to overcome before we could, though.  Stephen said he would do it, which makes my heart so happy.  I know it would be so hard for him to leave his family.  It would be hard for me, too.  His family is amazing and wonderful and you could not ask for better in-laws.  Seriously.  And they are ridiculously in love with Olivia – it would be heartbreaking to take her away from them.

Seeing Olivia with her cousins, though…

And her with my mom…

And seeing my brother again…

The obvious solution to this issue is to figure out how to fold the United States so St. Louis and Atlanta are right next to each other.

Or find that suitcase full of cash so we can have a house in both cities.

I like the folding idea better.

Aren’t my brother and I and our kids adorable?

On another note, aren’t I adorable?

I turned 30 today.

I’ve been asked by several folks if I feel any different.  Honestly, after birthing a child a few weeks ago, this actually feels pretty anticlimactic.  But it’s my birthday nonetheless and, for that, I am quite pleased.

As I did when I turned 20, I looked back over this past decade and I’m actually pretty overwhelmed by everything that has transpired in just ten years.

Here goes:

- I graduated college, albeit by the skin of my teeth, but I have that shiny piece of paper anyway

- I had a massive falling out with my mom which was then subsequently repaired four years later and we’ve never been closer than we are now

- I moved from the midwest to the East Coast and haven’t left which makes this the longest I’ve ever spent in one city

- I’ve owned three cars

- I’ve held down six jobs, not counting any freelancing I’ve done

- I found and rented my very first apartment

- I adopted ferrets and laid one to rest last year

- I adopted a puppy who has turned into the coolest dog one could hope for

- I met and friended some truly amazing people who have since moved away to other states (sad face)

- I met, fell in love with, got engaged to and married the sweetest, most patient, most forgiving, and hottest man in the world.  He’s my best friend and my soulmate.

- I had a falling out with my dad which is still to be determined

- I rented my very first house

- I became an Aunt twice over

- I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl in the whole wide world

I think I’ve done the most growing up and discovering myself over the past ten years.  Twenty to thirty is a big transition period for everyone, I think.  I know for a fact I’m a completely different person today than I was at 20.

I cringe at some of the inane stupidness I pulled when I was 20…

So as my little bug sleeps in her swing, I wrap my hands around my mug of tea and sigh happily because, honestly, I am happy.

I never thought I would reach this point and, yet, at the same time, it feels like my pregnancy has flown by.  I have hit 9 months, which means we have 4 weeks until her due date.  Next week at this time, when I hit 37 weeks, she will be considered full-term.  This means she could be born any time after that point and not be considered premature – she would be fully developed and, with all the fingers crossed, completely healthy and ready to go.  I plan on celebrating next Wednesday somehow.  Big breakfast, lunch out, something.  Maybe I can get Stephen to work from home that day or at least go into work late so we can celebrate in the morning…

Her OB appointment went really well.  Her heartbeat is holding steady and strong.  I love, love, love hearing her tiny heartbeat every time we go visit the midwife.  It’s so wonderful and reassuring and strong.  She usually rumbles around a bit before and after they listen for it and it’s so great.  Puts any anxiety I have about her health at ease and I just lay there smiling, happy with that little sound.  I could seriously lay on the couch and listen to her heartbeat all day long if given the chance.  I can’t wait to cuddle with her…

The nursery is coming together.  I’m still slowly putting things away and prewashing clothes and blankets.  I’ll do a big unveiling post when it’s all ready.  It was so much fun to show it off to the people who came to the shower.  Everyone seemed to really like it a lot.  Right now, it’s strewn with everything we received from the shower – which I still feel overwhelmed and extremely grateful about.  I still can’t get over how awesome our friends and family are.  You guys all rock, by the way.

More to come over the next few weeks as we take classes and get closer to the big day!

Yesterday was another important milestone in our development here at the Wright Baby Bakery – 32 weeks.  That’s 8 months for those of you keeping track.  In just five short weeks, I’ll hit 37 weeks and she’ll be considered fullterm and could be born at any time after that point.

I would have posted yesterday but, after posting Happy, our internet decided to go down in a heap of flames and didn’t resurrect until this morning.  Woot.

So far, the midwife says we’re on track and it doesn’t look like we need to adjust any dates but they may do another ultrasound when I get closer to double check.  I’m half hoping she comes earlier than 40 weeks because I’m impatient to meet her and I’m half hoping she comes on her due date because my mom is flying in from St. Louis to be there for the birth and we trying to schedule her time off from work as best as we can.

In any case, everything is healthy, on track and normal which is wonderful to hear.  I keep getting these quick, minor panicky moments where I wonder if something’s wrong with her.  It was definitely so reassuring to hear her strong, fast little heartbeat yesterday and feel her rumbling around right after I had Chick-fil-a.

In the world of stress, some of it has been alleviated a little bit.  Stephen was finally paid for his first invoice from this month so we were able to play some bill catch-up.  He’s still waiting on another one which we hope to get really soon so we can get back on track with everything.  I loathe money and, more importantly, I loathe depending on others for money.  It’s so annoying and stressful.  And it’s harder when it’s completely out of your control.  It’s not like Stephen didn’t work enough – his invoices were stocked with hours he put in – it’s all about the clients paying on time so his company can have money to pay people.  Vicious cycles…

So, everyone out there, cross fingers, say prayers, shake chicken feet over sand that their clients get their acts together and start paying on time so we can be paid on time so pregnant momma and soon-to-be-new-daddy don’t have to deal with unneeded stress and frustration.

We were also able to get nursery furniture yesterday!  I had to redo some items we’d picked out because the manufacturer is discontinuing them, but it all turned out cheaper so we were able to finally head to IKEA and buy three of the four pieces for the nursery.  My mom bought the fourth and is having it shipped to us as I type this.

*wiggles with excitement*

We put the crib together last night after the internet crapped out.  It was easy – loud – but easy.  We’re putting together the other two today and then Stephen is heading back to IKEA to exchange the mattress we bought.  I grabbed the wrong size mattress from the shelf, apparently.  It’s 5″ too long for the crib so he’s going to head back up there to exchange it for the shorter version.

I hope it goes smoothly.

I can’t even express how relieved it makes me to have her furniture.

And, finally, my shower is in just a little over three weeks.  One of my best girlfriends, who just got married beginning of this month to an awesome guy, is planning/hosting it along with my mom, Stephen’s mom and Stephen’s aunt.  I hear bits and pieces of ideas of things they’re doing or planning and it all makes me so excited.  It’s so hard not to check my registry every five minutes to see if anyone bought anything.  I’m trying!

Most importantly, though, Stephen and I are really looking forward to spending time with our friends and family in celebration of the massive life-changing experience we’re about to go through.  It’s really touching to know that people are setting aside time to spend a couple of hours with us and it means a ton to us.

The next eight weeks are going to be crazy busy with things to put together, clean, buy, classes to take and a whole host of planning.  We’re excited, nervous, anxious, scared, happy and everything in between.

If you’ve never been to Beth’s blog, I Should Be Folding Laundry, go now.  It’s an amazing blog written by an amazing woman and I am such a big fan of it now.

She does a great Thursday prompt called You Capture where she gives you a word and you go “capture” that word in a photo.  You don’t have to be a professional photographer and you can even take the pic with your cell phone but it’s the word you capture that’s the key.

This week?

Hope.

Okay a little background before you jump to any conclusions here!

This was a bottle of wonderfully, delicious (and expensive) wine that I had been saving for a few years for a special occasion.  I got this before Stephen and I ever met and was storing it in a cabinet waiting for the right moment.

I decided to open it the night he moved in with me.  It seemed like a huge milestone for us and a big moment in our relationship.  The move was last minute due to some roommate issues but it was a move nonetheless.  We were now living together, sharing bills, buying groceries, essentially married and it was a huge deal to me.

So I popped this and we enjoyed it on our ratty couch in our tiny apartment and I felt hope.  Hope that this would work  and our relationship would mature into something wonderful.

We were married three years later.