Oh so many changes on the horizon.

So many [good] and yet [scary] changes.

Truth be told, I spent most of Saturday in tears.  The guilt was overwhelming.  The fears of resentment or anger or blame consumed me and, for a moment, I wavered on my resolve.  Any excitement I had over moving fled and hid in a dark hole.  Stephen said his two cents.  I said mine.  Then all was quiet.

Too quiet.

It’s still quiet.

But I don’t feel guilty anymore.  And I have YOU and Stephen and my mom to thank for that.

“You are a family now. You make the best decisions for you and your family. You’ve made the decision so move on. Get excited. Start planning. Stop looking back…Are you excited yet? You deserve to be.” — Kate

Stephen told me over an over again that everything would be alright.  That was excited about the move and looking forward to it truly.  That he’d already been looking at school districts and talking to my brother about good neighborhoods to live in when we can buy a home.

I spoke to my mom on the phone for over an hour and we talked through ideas and plans and she helped me put things in perspective.

And now?

I’m [excited].  Really and truly excited and [happy].

I’m going [home], you guys.

home

I’ve wanted this for so long.  For me.  For my family.  For my daughter.  So, so long and it’s finally, really happening.

No, it’s not the exact ideal situation we wanted but it’s an opportunity to get back on our feet and move forward from a, hopefully, better spot.

This is good.

This is so good.

And I’m so excited.  I’ve been thinking about it non-stop and planning and thinking more and trying to figure out how best to pack and where everything will go in my parent’s house.  My brain is a tumult of ideas and plans and thoughts and more ideas and pipe dreams and maybe not so pipe dreams.

It’s amazing.

And all I can feel in my heart is warmth and hope.  Hope that this [will work].  Hope that this will open up new doors for this family.

Family.

I forget at times that we are a family.  I mean, I know we are, really.  But I forget.  I imagine family as applying to those people over there with the three kids and two dogs and one cat and the house they own.  I still think of me and my parents being a family.  And Stephen and his parents being a family.

And Stephen and I being a couple.

I don’t know why.

But we [are] a family – me, him, Olivia and the dog….our little Max.

Family.

Us.

And we’re moving forward as a family on this grand adventure that could turn out to be something incredible.

This isn’t to say that I’m not sad at leaving Atlanta.  I do love this city and love having Stephen’s family around.  They are amazing and wonderful and I could not have asked for better in-laws.  I love them with all my heart.  And it will be incredibly sad to say goodbye to them.  The whole wishing I could fold the map?  Still applies.

But the visits?  Will be heartwarming and exciting.  And perhaps?  I can finally show off my mom’s farm to Stephen’s family [when] they come see us.

Because they will.

I said so.

Warning, today’s happy is (pardon the rhyme) somewhat sappy.

My happy is my husband, Stephen.

I don’t think I really say enough good things about him.  Stephen and I both come from divorced homes.  Our parents, thankfully, remarried to [wonderful] partners that we have both come to love and consider parents.  Consequently, both of us have this unspoken desire to break that cycle.

I met Stephen in 2005 while working for a real estate firm downtown.  He worked upstairs in my company’s sister company doing data entry.  He happened to work in the cubicle next to a very good friend of mine.

And, one day, I casually mentioned to her that I thought the guy that worked next to her was [really cute].

Her wheels began to spin and, over the next few months, she would ask us both to lunch, down for coffee breaks and smoke breaks.

One thing led to another, we went out for trivia one night together and that was that.  He moved in with me about three months later.  We were married in 2009.  Olivia was born in 2010.

And he is the most amazing husband, father and best friend I could ever ask for.

Of course, it hasn’t all been rainbows and unicorns.  Marriage is [work] and parenting? More [work].

But it is oh so rewarding.

And right now?

Stephen is making such a leap and a sacrifice for his family – for me and Olivia.  He’s moving us to St. Louis so I can be with my family and Olivia can be near her cousins.  He’s leaving his own family – that security and comfort he’s known his whole life – and moving his wife and child 600 miles across the country in an effort to do what is best for us.

And I can’t be more grateful or in love than I am right now.

We are embarking on a new adventure for our little family of three.  It will be new and more [work] but it will be good and amazing and healthy.

And I couldn’t be happier with my husband.  He is

perfect

…

For more info on the Finding the Happy Project, including the rules, read all about it here.

Don’t forget to grab the button and come back every Monday to link up your Happy!

Finding the Happy: Our Happy Collection of Links

I was waiting a little bit before writing about this but Facebook had an announcement and then questions.  I was going to let Stephen talk to two more people that need to be talked to.

However.

Here goes.

We’re moving to St. Louis.

officially.  really.  moving.

in May.  after Olivia’s first birthday.

I know I’ve hinted around at it, spoke vaguely about it, talked about my homesickness and “wouldn’t it be nice if…”

But now it’s real as of last night when we told Stephen’s parents.  And, as expected, they’re really upset.

The reasons are many.  And that’s what I primarily want to write about.  Hopefully to help people understand the [why] even if it’s unhappy and not desirable.

Stephen and I have been talking about moving to St. Louis since last August.  Like, really, seriously talking about it and when and how and what would need to be done to make that work.  When we visited last summer to surprise my mom, Stephen remarked to me offhandedly that he could live there with no problem.  He knows my homesickness and my ache at being so far away from my family so for him to say something like that was [big] and not something he would have just flippantly said.  There was intent behind those words and an unspoken promise at that point.

Then the wheels began to turn, rolling towards a destination known but down a path unknown.  How could we move there?  What about Stephen’s job?  What about the baby?  What about Stephen’s family?

I’ve spoken of my homesickness many times on this blog.  You guys know that the ache to be home runs deep in my soul.  Ever since my mom and I repaired our relationship about five years ago, we’ve become incredibly close.  When it was just Stephen and I, living 600 miles away from my family, while not ideal, was live-with-able.  I was fine with it and fine to visit and talk on the phone and what not.

Then I had a baby.

And this ache to be near my mom became more than just a desire, a [wouldn't that be nice].  It became a need.  I don’t know if it’s a mom thing.  Or a daughter thing.  Or a me thing.  Maybe some of you other moms can weigh in on that one.

I find myself [needing] to have my mom around, sad when I get off the phone with her, despondent for days when we return home from a visit to see her.

And it’s not just my mom.  I haven’t lived at home, in that city, in that house, in over a decade.  My brother and I, while we get along famously, don’t actually know a ton about each other.  I don’t know my sister in law at all and that upsets me.  She’s the mother of my brother’s children and I know hardly anything about her.  What did she want to be when she grew up?  What does she love?  What does she hate?  Does she enjoy these things here that I enjoy?

I have no idea.

and that bothers me

a lot

And my nephews.  Olivia’s cousins.  Oh the joy there in those two boys.  The instant affection between them and Olivia.  The gentle and the happy.

I had that growing up with my uncle’s daughters.  I loved being around my cousins pretty much any time I wanted.  Stephen had a cousin he was extremely close to and visited constantly.  We want that for our daughter and all our future children.

So, there are my reasons.  And they are all [I hope] understandable…and valid…

Stephen’s reasons.

He has lived his whole life around his family.  and that is not meant in any way to demean or discredit that AT ALL.  In fact, that has made him the man he is today.  I have never met anyone who has a stronger sense of family, community and loyalty.  He is proud of his family and loves all of them deeply.  And that love and that bond has, in turn, helped him become an amazing husband and father and I would [never] have it any other way.

He knows the value of having family nearby always.  And he wants to give that to me.  He also wants to see what it’s like “on his own” away and off and yonder.

a change of scenery from this state to a different one

new opportunities come what may

Yes, he is moving largely because of me.  But I don’t want to be “that wife” or “that daughter in law” or “that mom” that spirited him and Olivia halfway across the country for my own selfish purposes.  He wants to go, too, and he has his own personal reasons for it that actually don’t have anything to do with me or my family.

I hope that makes sense.

The financial part of it is actually the last piece to the puzzle.  The last impetus.

Originally, we wanted the move to be to our own place in St. Louis.  A house.  That *maybe* we bought and owned and all that happy.

But then our debt became too much.  Threats of collections have caused us to use credit cards we didn’t want to use.  Our rainy day fund was used up paying off medical bills and the like.  And we’re left with a pile of accumulating interest that eats away more and more of Stephen’s paycheck each month.

We never wanted the financial to be a part of it.  We never wanted that to be a motivating factor.  We never wanted it to come to this.

But we’re drowning and this gives us the ability to get back on our feet.

My parents own a nearly 200 year old farmhouse that was added onto twice over the decades.  The result is a large, beautiful home that they only, actually, use about half.  So they have ample room for us to live there while we get our finances under control.

I haven’t lived in that house since I turned 18 and left for college.

It’s not ideal but it’s a solution to this very real and very stressful situation.

But it’s not just a house to move into.  If it was just that, we’d accept the offers we’re getting from family here in Atlanta.  It’s more and what I’ve said above.

Everyone here is upset and I’m trying to find the excitement I [should] feel at getting to go home and be with my mom and my brother.  But all I feel is guilt.  I do feel like “that wife” and “that daughter in law” and “that mom” … Whether there’s a modicum of that in reality or it’s all just in my head, I can’t get the weight of it out of my heart.

The reality is this.

We’re moving in May after Olivia’s first birthday.  Stephen, because his boss is AMAZING and AWESOME, will keep his job here in Atlanta and [maybe] even score them some St. Louis clients in the future.  He will return for probably a week every month to attend meetings and work in his company’s office and see his family.  Every few months (or as often as we can manage it), Olivia and I will come back with him for a visit.

It’s not the ideal solution.  I mean, if I could fold the map and put St. Louis and Atlanta side by side, I would in a heartbeat.  If we could have both families all together in one city, that would be perfect and wonderful.

But it isn’t.

and we have to do what’s best….or, rather, the best option at the time….for our family.

Like I said, we’ve been discussing this since last August.  We’ve gone through all the ramifications of it in our heads and hearts.  We’ve weighed every option and every alternative and thought and talked and prayed and thought and talked some more.

This wasn’t made lightly.

I miss my family so much it hurts.  Stephen wants what’s best for us and to forge his own relationship with my family.  Our finances are dire.

I don’t actually really know how to end this.

I just hope something I’ve said helps to explain the reasoning, the impetus, the motivations, the thoughts behind it all.

My heart and head are in turmoil now.  I feel like I’m ripping something apart that has so many roots and ties.  I feel like there will be resentment.  Stephen tells me not to worry.  That the sadness will pass; that there will be no resentment; that there is no “blame” or “fault”; and after the sadness passes, there will be support and understanding.

My head believes him.

My heart still feels guilty.

I found some Orange Ceylon Tea at the farmer’s market and added a scoop to the teapot this morning with my usual Assam.

it’s [yummy]

First, thank you thank you THANK YOU to the folks that reached out to me via comments, email and Twitter with hugs and love and friendship.  Your words helped me feel much better this morning, even after another hellacious night with Olivia.

Poor thing is teething….growth spurting.  Maybe both.

which is its own special kind of hell

Then she does things like [that]

and I melt

and it totally erases anything she’s done to annoy me up to that point.

She’s pulling up on (or tries to, at least) everything.  Her balance is a little less wobbly each time.  If we hold her hands she [kinda] walks but it’s this crazy hip-swivel tip-toe WAY too big of steps walk.  And I laugh.

She is [obsessed] with the dog.  She looks for him in the morning.  If she sees him, she gets a HUGE grin on her face and starts babbling relentlessly at him and flailing madly.  She crawls towards him, grabs at him.

he moves away

repeat

It’s not that he doesn’t like her.  He just doesn’t know what to do with her.  He licks her if she spits up but that’s the extent of his interaction.  If he’s tired and she’s not being too pinchy, he’ll let her grab at his ears and fur.

but only for a few minutes

then he shuffles away

See the flaily happy?

It’s pretty much impossible to catch on film.

She adores her daddy more and more each day.  It’s precious and I die a little each time.

LIKE THIS

onward

It will work out eventually

I just have to be patient and find my groove again

Oh it’s been hard to find any happy lately.  I hate to sound all “oh woe is me” but if I can’t let it out here, then where can I?

Olivia is teething.  It’s making nights [really hard], especially between midnight and 2am.  Yes, we use Tylenol.  Yes, we use Camilia.  Yes, I have an amber necklace on order.  Yes, I know we just need to make it through.

There is the other side and I know it’s there somewhere down the road.  It’s just hellish getting there.

The major blanket of stress over the whole issue is our seemingly insurmountable debt.  We’re drowning in it.  I hate, hate, [hate] to mention anything related to money even out loud to anyone because everyone is there, right?  It just…

sucks

So much that we are actually considering making our move to St. Louis be one of moving in with my parents for a year so we can try to get on top of it.

not ideal

not how I wanted my move back home to go

But it may have to happen in order to avoid the dreaded B-word and have a glimmer of a hope at one day owning our own home.

I was also really lazy in my diet the past week or so and am now paying for it tenfold with headaches.

When will I learn?

So it’s back to carefully cooking and eating and trying to be as healthy as possible.  All the while avoiding gluten like the plague.

With the money situation coupled with that I have to buy special flour(s) in order to cook/bake?

ha ha ha

funny

Thanks, universe

So, I’m finding happy as best I can in the smallest of places.

my healthy baby playing on the floor

sewing a baby romper

knitting a scarf with too many mistakes to count but I love it anyway

steam rising from a fresh pot of tea

giant mugs waiting to warm me

my soul

my heart

Sorry to whine

I’m just

frustrated

and I don’t see many options at the moment other than forging ahead

and making some tough decisions

…

For more info on the Finding the Happy Project, including the rules, read all about it here.

Don’t forget to grab the button and come back every Monday to link up your Happy!

Finding the Happy: Our Happy Collection of Links

So it snowed a fair amount here in Atlanta over the weekend.  Aaaand was topped off with ice.

Fantastic.

Needless to say, being in the south, we have all of 7 salt trucks for a city that has the worst sprawl problem ever.  Seriously, throw some jelly at the wall and you’d have a splatter that resembles an Atlanta map.

We are happily snowed in.  The dog is terrified of the ice and all 50 pounds of him isn’t enough to break the crust so he slid a LOT while outside and now won’t go back out.  Stephen has to don winter gear and carry him out there to get him to go to the bathroom.

It’s fun.

We lowered Olivia’s crib the other night.

Why?

BECAUSE SHE IS PULLING UP ON EVERYTHING.

I’m not ready for this.

Can you tell?

I have this grand idea to get [really good] at sewing then start a handmade business with my mom, who is already [phenomenal] at sewing.  It’s doable – I just need time to practice and the budget to keep buying patterns and cloth.

Which, of course, means Olivia is completely refusing to nap during most of the day and requiring a LOT of attention.

Wearing her helps.  Having Stephen home helps.

I just wish I had more time to really knuckle down and get better at this.  I love this hobby and I want to become better at it.  There are lots of moms out there who have multiple children and find time to make things.

I should be able to as well, yes?

Speaking of multiples.

Stephen looked at me the other night and asked, “So, in your grand master plan, when are you wanting to get knocked up again?”

I giggled and responded, “This year.”

He nodded and that was the end of the conversation.

Maybe, yes?

We shall see.

There’s so much that [could be] this year.  Potential on the horizon with Stephen’s job which means more growth and opportunity and stability.   Potential for me to move back home.  Potential for a handmade business.  Potential for another pregnancy.

And with that, comes more knowledge and more confidence and more desire to do things [differently].  I have a wonderful network of moms on Twitter that have become real and honest friends.

Also?

Avocados are squishy.

My brain is a storm of ideas, desires, hopes, fears and crazy.

It sounds much grander than it actually is, I think.  I’m just…

super thoughtful

My mom was here this past weekend.  Just for the weekend.  She came to teach me how to sew and, together, we made a romper for Olivia out of the prettiest dragonfly material.  The make her eyes [sing].

The fabric store was also having a sale so we bought a handful of patterns and a small tower of cloth for me to make more outfits, practice and pillows.  Every fabric I saw, my first reaction was, “That would make an adorable pillow.”

Love pillows, much?

Homesickness always rears its ugly head after a visit with my family.  It’s the only thing that casts a shadow on the whole visit – that it will end and we will, once again, return to living 600 miles apart.  I hate that.  I hate that I feel so sad afterwards.  I hate the gloominess that mars the otherwise happy aftermath of family togetherness.

I miss my mom.

I used to be fine living so far away from my family.  I’ve always been a bit independent and, growing up, I couldn’t [wait] to leave the farm and go out into the big, wide world.

Then I got married and had a baby.

Now I find myself pulled inexplicably back in that direction and I’m fine with that pull.  I want that pull.  I want to give in to that pull.

I find it hard to explain out loud sometimes.  Granted, this isn’t my mom’s first grandchild but it’s [my] first child and there’s something about a mom’s daughter’s first baby that just creates this learning/sharing/passing-things-down/nostalgia bond between mom and daughter.  At least, with us, it has.  And it’s hard to do over the phone.

I know I talk about how homesick I am all the time.  I’m sorry but it just helps me to deal with everything by writing it down or trying to form it into phrases and sentences that Stephen can understand.

We have a plan to move.

at some point

next year

[maybe] [hopefully]

There are a lot of variables between point A and point B.

Things that could go smoothly.  Things that could be ideal.  Things that could blow up.  Things that could prevent it.

Part of the plan could help us get out of debt.

And it’s still not ideal.  Bringing me closer to my family means taking Stephen further from his.

which is the other side of the coin

…

This past weekend also marked another first for Olivia.

Her first taste of solids.

I roasted off a sweet potato and mashed it up.  Fed it to her on my finger because we have no baby spoons.

She found it vaguely interesting [didn't spit it out] and then wanted to play with the bowl.

We haven’t tried again, yet.  Maybe in a week or two, I’ll give it a more lengthy shot.  I’m not really [feeling it] from her at the moment and that’s fine with us.  No need to rush, in my opinion.  We are doing [just fine] breastfeeding.

I mean, have you seen my chunk monster?

Supplements are not needed.  Her pediatrician will just have to be okay with that.

However, for you parents looking for a high chair? I cannot recommend this one enough – I love it.  Super light, folds up skinny, portable, comfy, and cute.  I’m all about the “grows with her” items.

So many things in my brain.

There’s a lot to be said for throwing a cinnamon stick [or three] into a pot of tea as it’s steeping.  It’s like adding a big fuzzy blanket to the whole warm mug of tea experience.

The Christmas shopping is nearly done.  Before anyone rolls their eyes at me, we had to spread out the shopping starting in August because family is so large and money is so small.  Buying one or two things each paycheck was [infinitely] easier than trying to buy it all this month or next.

like we try to do every year previous to this

However, in my forays of purchasing presents this year, I have come across a lot of Etsy shops that I now love and will share with you guys in the coming weeks.  Perhaps you can support handmade and find something to give to a loved one [or yourself] this holiday.

She’s getting so big.

I can watch her little mind working through actions and motions and emotions.  She’s becoming her own person right before my eyes.

this little thing that we made

This Saturday will be six months.  A whole half a year.

[where has the time gone]

The subject of moving [home] came up again

which led to an argument

and accusations

and stress

and apologies

and understanding

and reconciliation

and a tentative [maybe possibly if the cards fall right] date of late next summer

Seems like an eternity away

But it’s a tangible eternity.  Which is something.

[can we stop the children from growing up until then?]

I made my tea extra strong and creamy today.  And sweet.  I still have a lot on my mind lately and stronger tea was a must.

Stephen has been busier than usual lately.  His company has big projects to finish and, when he comes home, he’s exhausted and a bit moody.  Couple that with our neverending financial strife and it’s a cocktail for impatience and irritability.  And it’s not just him.  I get that way, too.  When we’re short on money or unable to pay certain bills, I feel guilty for being a stay at home mom.  I feel like I should be doing something to bring in money so I can be productive.

But Olivia demands all my attention and that’s fine with me, too.  I want to be home to take care of her and watch her grow and be present for every single milestone so I can catch them on camera or video.  I want her to spend her days in her own home with her toys and her crib and her dog and her momma.  That is just as important to me as making money.

So we cut back here and there and give up this or that all so I can continue to stay home.  Stephen works hard for his paycheck and keeps an ear to the ground for freelance projects.  It’s frustrating when a move from contract to salary results in a pay cut.  But there are promises of bonuses so we hold to that as this was a good decision and we soldier on.  I’m hoping to come up with a fantastic idea for a home business.  Not to make us rich (I wouldn’t complain) but just to give us some breathing room.  It’s hard to stay positive when every penny of the paycheck goes to pay bills and debt.

Despite all of that, I’m not complaining.  I’m staying focused on my own priorities – being a good wife, a good mother and a good me.  That’s what’s important.  Everything else will fall into place somehow.  One day, our hard work will pay off in some way.

I know it.

it. has. to.

Olivia is going through a phase, I think.  She doesn’t roll over on demand anymore, but will during or after her naps….when she takes one.  She refuses to nap in her crib but will sack out in the pack n play in the bedroom.  She cries in the evenings but won’t fall asleep until around midnight.  During the day, she’s as happy as a clam albeit a bit clingy.  I think she’s entering the mom-only stage.  She even gets fussy if Stephen picks her up and she can’t see me.  It’s flattering and mildly irritating at the same time.

When she naps and the house is quiet, my mind wanders.  It meanders through my life and wonders if I’d do things differently if I had a second chance.  More often than not, the answer is no save a wish that I’d been better with money and jobs.  I have a lot of loose ends at the moment that have been fraying more and more into my heart.  I deal with them as they come and shove others to the side for another day…

Another day is quickly approaching.

Am I ready to tie them up?

My tea is extra strong today.

I’m sitting here with my giant hot mug of strong black tea (English style, of course) and feeling a bit out of it today.  There are so many things whirling about in my brain and my heart right now – things I can’t talk about for one reason or another.  At least, not at the moment.

I want to freeze Liv where she is – rolling, sitting, laughing, reaching for things to shove in her mouth.  She snuggles in the crook of my arm as I read three chapters of Winnie the Pooh to her.  She makes happy little squawky-chirpy noises when she sees me undoing the clasp in my bra to feed her.  She naps just long enough for me to at least check my email and maybe read a blog or two.  She laughs when I laugh, which is the coolest thing ever right now.  Hopefully, Stephen can catch that on video soon.

The weather is starting to cool off a bit.  Soon, we’ll take Liv out for a family walk around the neighborhood in the evenings.  We may even start attending the local farmer’s market on Thursdays.  I’m excited for Autumn.  I’ve always loved the season so much.  It’s not too hot, not too cold (yet) and the trees start to change and it is absolutely stunning.  I’m thinking about planting some flower seeds I got in the mail as some freebie thingy.  The package says to plant them in September so I may just do that.  I’m saving my uber garden for when we own a house.

Whenever that will happen…

Olivia is napping.  My tea is nearly gone.  The house is quiet.  My brain is not.

My heart aches for home.

I think I’m ready for another.

Puppy.

What did you think I was talking about?