michelevgreen Every time I go to Intellicast to check the weather, I mistype it as “intellicats” — which seems like it would be a more interesting site
SaraJOY DIAPER, Y U NO CHANGE YOURSELF?
MeganBoley Benton is all, “Hey, Imagunna try stomach sleeping for the first time in 9 months. It’s fun. Until I wake up crawling. I’m a weirdo!”
SaraJOY This solid food stuff is too much work. Can’t I just nurse them ’til they’re 3 & hand ‘em a burger?
_Biscuit_ there should be a service where an idiot is sent to you for all your shaking-to-death needs. #idiotoncall
michelevgreen Hubby’s phone autocorrected the phrase “the baby ate a lot of oatmeal” to “the baby ate a lot of goat meat.” Might be my fav of all time
Depcrestwood If I had to describe the guy who just walked past me in two words, those two words would be “weed jesus”
TheNextMartha This exists people. yfrog.com/gy5dqhhj
TemerityJane Sheldon’s jingling rabies tag is going to be the death of me. I keep half-drifting off to sleep and jerking back awake. “SANTA??”
keli_h why is there a “no gas day” group on facebook? makes no sense to me. it is also known as “stranded car day” or “get gas the day before day”
exlibris Idea: Galactica uses Captcha to test its crew for Cylons. #iwouldfail#imatoaster
jimmycarr Morning. Here’s a house that looks like Hitler. You’re welcome.http://plixi.com/p/87787960
Shinga_the_Jedi “Mac or PC?” I swing both ways, baby. But just so we’re clear, I only experiment with Linux when I’m drunk and want attention.
thegrumbles I blow your face up.
anymommy Left chili I defrosted for dinner sitting in the sink all night. Microbiology is more religion than science, right? I mean, I can’t see it.
michelevgreen More Talk to Text: “Matthew: I am I want flavor syrup in your lifetime latte” Okay, honey. #huh
michelevgreen Actual texts Hubby’s talk-to-text sent me this AM: Matthew: just buckle current. Matthew: did not say that. Matthew: taco her hand
TemerityJane Is it out of context conference session tweets season again already?
GeorgeTakei AT&T is buying T-Mobile. In related news, Russia wants Eastern Europe back. #TheresAMapForThat
Crunchynurse I need the guy from Karate Kid to make J. pick up his coat off the floor and hang it on a hook, repeatedly, for a number of hours.
the818 Why is it that when my dog farts, it’s like I’m eating it for breakfast? How do those canine bungholes permeate like that?
nataliejanette I had a dream that my phone got wet, so I put it in a bowl of rice. When I came back to check it, the rice was cooked & had peas & carrots.
exlibris I had a dream that revealed the secret connection between Pearl Jam, the Oregon Trail, and the Illuminati. #enlightened
MeganBoley Shamrock Shake, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Iced Chai, Pumpkin Spice Latte, Peppermint Mocha. #Twitterseasons
BrunnerCircus I saw someone using a pay phone today. In other news… I had no idea that pay phones still existed.
thegrumbles Showering with a bulldog is always unexpected.
kch I propose a most amazing trade-off: Everyone adopts the US power plug standard, and the US adopts the fucking metric system. Everyone wins.
DaddyFiles I fully plan to will myself back to health using nothing but positive thought and NyQuil. Big N, small y BIG MOTHERFUCKING Q!
Mom101 Toddlers with British accents are cuter than puppies. Cuter than puppies with British accents too.
zhandlen Stephen Sondheim, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and William Shatner were all born today. And we still don’t have a goddamn STAR TREK musical.
michelevgreen Hubby informed me a contractor is coming to fix our fence “sometime” today. This really disrupts my not-wearing-pants plans for the day
MeganBoley I think I just had an oh-my-gah-I-am-a-mom moment after that tweet. “what is this meme? Dern kids? These is jokes?”
swonderful me: what’s this movie called? luke: natalie portman
TheNextMartha I’m filtering the word “snow” out of my stream. The word denial is welcome to stay.
thegrumbles @tristina_wright monday’s only there to keep sunday from punching tuesday.
MeganBoley @laurahartgerink @typographitext yeah. I basically just use boobs as parenting tools.
milonguera Today Joaquin and I ate about 12 mandarins or clementines or whatever those dainty little oranges are called.
thek8escape I’ve decided that if I had a superpower, it would be to make babies sleep.
ordermeanother Why is there no milkshake delivery service?
PensieveRobin Dark chocolate peanut M&Ms: colorful afternoon vitamins.
SaraJOY Snark *can* be used for good people. #responsiblesnarking
sarahbartlett Morning again? Balls.
TemerityJane Don’t know how, but I’ve managed to log into Friendster & am now texting my sister pics of herself saying “HAHA YOU USED TO DRESS LIKE THIS”
MrsFreestyle Walking three 100+ lb dogs, while 4 mo’s pregnant, & wearing a 20lb toddler on your back is not as easy as it sounds.
CrunchyVTMommy Dear Jesus, Allah, God, Superman or whomever is in charge tonight, please let my babies sleep until 10 am. Sound good? Thanks so much.
GreenEnough4Me A guy on FB: “My fiance works too much.” Me: “You’re engaged?” Him: “No. But I assume she works too much & that’s why we haven’t met.” #ha
ecsuperhero In fact, it might even be in the Constitution. It’d be unpatriotic to not put Kahlua in my coffee right now. God Bless America.
sarahviola Trying to figure out how long it’s been since Vi nursed, but…DST… Uh… it’s too early for numbers. #carrytheone #dumb
bigcitybelly However, it was amusing to see a drunk girl fall off the curb outside my place and still keep her cell phone to her ear.
MeganBoley @milonguera @thegrumbles if iphone autocorrect was a person, it would look like dana carvey church lady.
laurahartgerink today is a feast of meatballs. i am ready for the ball-off. and i shall win. #deliciousballs
alwysabridesmd Oh boy I hope what I’m chewing is lobster.
Depcrestwood Umm – I just scratched my head, and half a Frito landed on my shoulder. I haven’t had Frito’s in months.#anothersignoftheapocalypse
thek8escape The dishwasher fairy didn’t come last night. Bummerrrr.
MeganBoley @thegrumbles twitter is the god of inappropriate juxtaposition. If I were in art school, I might have done a project on the subject.
michelevgreen I wonder if Dora’s fantastic world of singing creatures is a psychological cover-up for a grim, unbearable reality a la Pan’s Labyrinth
foldinglaundry Parents: please teach your kids to not be assholes. Plain and simple.
milonguera Heh @Pinterest During testing, we accidentally told a handful of really nice users that their pin of a kitten was objectionable content.
babyrabies Driving through rural TX, we get a whiff of cow manure. Kendall proclaims, “smells like daddy’s poopy!”
goodgoogs Late pregnancy is not realising you’ve had a marshmallow stuck to your belly for the best part of an hour
apocalypstick I’m a feminist, but these heavy boxes aren’t going to move themselves.
PBinmyHair Text I just got from my husband “do you know how to use the craigslist”
mommyboots I would like all of the chocolate today, please.
FamilySizedFun i bought 3 sticky rollers and i am giving up lint for lent.
foldinglaundry Noah was just naming mountains: Mount Fuji, Mount Everest and Mount Tin Dew. OMG, DYING.
tami_moore @tristina_wright I don’t think I’ve ever told you, but if I was ever a mother, I want to be just like you.
michelevgreen Slow cooker came with a strange giant rubber band. After trying to affix it to multiple parts of the machine I discover it’s a “lid holder”
exlibris @sarahbartlett losing a gnome is a traumatic event.
lindseyivory Is it a coincidence that fat tuesday and women’s day are the same? Oh the irony (and doughnuts…oh the doughnuts!)
exlibris Just tried to text my MIL on a calculator.
FamilySizedFun this is when they whine and whine. and then i wine. they whine. i wine. whine wine, wine whine wine wine. until wine wins.#wineforthewin
neilcole I love Guinness, but if anyone tells you it’s “good for you” – NO! That’s broccoli. They’re thinking of broccoli
DaddyFiles Gary Busey is praying for Charlie Sheen? Ouch. That’s crazy-person-on-crazy-person crime right there.
thek8escape Joe: I bet if you name any state in the union, I can name the capital. Me: Nebraska. Joe: … dammit.
mariasrandmrant Hey lady..wearing the fishnet top over a bikini w/ some wedge heels and pushing a stroller, yeah you. What were u thinking??#FasionNoNo
CrunchyVTMommy My 19mo son calls woodpeckers – peckersons and I think it’s freaking hilarious!
LordStewie when I die I want to be cremated and put into an Etch-a-Sketch
FeministBreeder Quickies were invented by parents. Definitely.
allisonzapata Sandwich with a Zantac chaser. #pregnantdinner
AmberStrocel A spammer is offering me tips on how to find a thoughtful wife. So I have that going for me.
pocketbuddha Today is one of those days where I kind of understand why some species eat their young. #badmama #toddler #CabinFever
cynthiaboaz I just found someone’s to-do list at the bottom of a shopping cart. “Saturday- Shutterbug, Michael’s Art Supplies, harvest pot.”
unxpctdblessing It’s no longer “I missed that memo.” It’s now “I missed that tweet.”
TychoBrahe When my mother felt something was particularly untrue, she’d say it was a “lie from the pit of hell.” This struck me as needlessly dramatic.
Dabobie I really wish when I peeled my banana that a cheeseburger popped out of it. #whynot #bananasareyucky
posielove What I discovered in the bathroom tonight.#bathtoysgonewild http://yfrog.com/h316eccj
DaddyFiles I was thinking: instead of going to work today how about drinking heavily & taking up smoking again? Feels like one of those days.
michaelfranti The national debt is $14,128,618,456,347.92 – can we stop worrying about gay marriage now?
ecsuperhero I swear too much. But since I make no effort to stop it, I’ll just say that a filthy mouth can be an endearing quality for some. Like me
If you think these are funny, check out my inspiration, The Little Big. She created the Follow Friday Blog Meme and posts her favorite tweets every Friday. Tears from laughter I tell you. TEARS!
