I’m going to share the wonderful, slightly embarrassing story of when Stephen proposed to me.

January 26, 2008

Stephen and I lived in a tiny apartment in Decatur – which is a lovely little town right on the outskirts of downtown Atlanta.  I desperately want to move back there and buy a home, but that’s off the subject.

One of my best friends was getting married that May and I was a bridesmaid, which came with a whole host of drama and responsibilities, but we got it done and she’s happily married living in Florida.

That Saturday morning, all the bridesmaids were supposed to meet at Kelly’s apartment to go dress shopping.  It was the second dress shopping excursion since she couldn’t find anything she liked yet – ever have that problem, brides?  We were supposed to meet just before lunch.

I overslept.

When my bleary morning fog cleared and I looked at the clock, I freaked out.  Jumped out of bed, sent a frantic text to Kelly to say I was on my way (heh) and jumped in the shower.  Stephen was in the office working on something or playing a video game, I’m not sure.

Quick explanation of apartment layout.  The two bedrooms were side by side with the bathroom just to the right of the second bedroom, which we used as an office.  In order to go from the bathroom to the actual bedroom, you pass the office.

So I’m in the shower, scrubbing fast, brushing my teeth, and my mind is spinning with everything that has to get done that day.  I couldn’t believe I was running late for dress shopping!  I felt like I was letting her down and being a bad bridesmaid, etc etc.

I bundle my hair up in an awesomely sexy towel turban, grab my pjs from the floor and dash out of the bathroom butt naked.

Stephen is on one knee in the office doorway.

My mind goes blank.  I think I asked him what he was doing.

He pulls out this little wooden box with a gorgeous white gold ring with a sapphire center stone and accompanying diamonds and asks me to marry him.  I managed to stammer out an “Uh-huh.”

Later, I found out he’d had this whole thing planned to show up at Kelly’s apartment later and propose to me there but he didn’t want to detract from Kelly’s bride day so he just decided to do it that morning.

Besides, being blindsided with a proposal while you’re naked, partially dripping wet because you didn’t towel off entirely, and completely not paying attention to anything else but what you’re doing wrong is a WAY better story.

This post has been rolling around in my head for a few weeks now.  I wrote about it briefly but still felt that a lot of things went unsaid.

Anyway.

As some…most…all…of you know, Stephen went out of town for a week at the beginning of June.  As per his agreement with his job, his boss allowed him to move me and Olivia up to St. Louis to be with my family and still keep his job if he came back to Atlanta the first week of every month for face-to-face meetings, etc.  Not a bad trade-off, actually.  He keeps a job he really loves and gets to see his family once a month.  I get to move and live with my family again.

Coming up on the First. Time. Apart. we were both nervous.  He confided in me on numerous occasions he was worried.  Worried about leaving us for that long without him.  Worried he’d miss a milestone from Olivia.  Worried he’d miss us too much. I told him I had the same worries.  So, we both did our best to reassure each other.  We reminded each other that other families do it all the time and for longer periods and we’d be fine and it was going to be no big deal.  Meanwhile, each of us fretted internally.

It also didn’t help that the first week of every month is usually when Aunt Flo drops by.  Hi, hormone imbalance! Coffee? Scone? Midol?

So, he left.  And we were fine, for the most part.  Then that first night came and it hit us both hard.  I spent that week trying to stay as busy as possible but enveloped in loneliness and feeling out of kilter with everything around me.

Some of you may think this is silly.  ”It’s just a week.  Why is she so upset?”

And you’re right.  It’s [just] a week.  However.  How long is long enough apart before one is [allowed] to be appropriately upset?  And I don’t mean that to be snarky – I’m genuinely curious.  A day? A week? A month? A year? More?

Several factors (besides hormones) played a part in how upset I was.

First. This was the very first time in the six years since we began dating that we’d ever been apart.  We met November 2005.  He moved in April 2006.  We were engaged January 26, 2008.  Married May 2, 2009.  We have spent every night together and virtually every day together.

It’s hard.  It’s hard when you’re used to a constant and that constant suddenly isn’t there anymore.  That warm body in the bed next to you.  The person watching and heckling the movie with you.  It doesn’t matter if it’s one night or seven nights or 365 nights – the constant was broken and that throws you off.  And people deal with that differently.

Second. Stephen and I are partners in every sense of the word.  He’s Olivia’s father.  He’s my husband.  We help and support each other all the time.  We tag-team with Olivia if she’s being fussy at night.  He plays with her in the morning so I can wash my face and get dressed and put my contacts in undisturbed.  We share the load of everything, support each other in everything always.  Sure, it isn’t perfect and we bicker at times.  But there is a steady, strong partnership that we both cherish.

It’s really hard to share the load with a baby when you’re 600 miles apart.

Thankfully, Olivia was [for the most part] great the whole week. Naps, playing, bedtime, etc.

Third. We are living in my parents’ house.  This is my high school home.  I’ve alluded to it in the past how that wasn’t the best of times in my life.  It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great.  Stephen and Olivia keep me grounded Here and Now and help me look forward always.

Night time was the hardest.  The hours between Olivia going to be and us going to bed are Our Time.  We watch movies, play video games, fool around, talk.  We talk about everything and anything.  Movies, Plans, Money, Family, Past, Future, Writing, Crafting, Coding, Projects, Animals, Dream Home, Renovations, Wine, Beer, Food…everything.  But we [talk] every single night together.

So.

Yes. We were [both] incredibly lonely and upset to be that far apart.  Will we still the next time around?  Yes.  Will it get easier over time? Probably.  Will we miss each other less? Never.

The only thing that will change is I probably won’t mention it again or mention it rarely.  I need to get in the habit of not mentioning when he’s gone for when we do live in our own place and I truly am home alone with the kid(s).  Also, the thought or actual knowledge of anyone thinking I’m silly or stupid for being upset makes it harder.

This all sounds like I’m defending myself.  Maybe I am.  Mostly, it’s just a brief look into my head because it’s chaotic in there right now.

Two years.

It may not seem like much to most people.  To us, it’s awesome.  This is our first anniversary as parents – granted I was hugely pregnant last year this time.  There’s a whirlwind happening right now – Olivia turning one; our impending move and all the doors it opens.  Today, we take a step back from it all and celebrate that very special, somewhat rainy, beautiful, wonderful day two years ago.

To my partner in this crazy adventure.

I love you.  More than words could express.  More than any card or any gift could convey.  I’m still ever so grateful you took the plunge and surprised me that day in our old apartment.  We’ve had so many ups and so many downs.  We’ve fought.  We’ve laughed.  We’ve cried.  We produced an incredibly adorable off-spring.  We’re moving halfway across the country on a hope.

And we’re doing it all together.  And will continue to do so many years into the future.

I wish I had something more eloquent to say.  But.

I’m having a blast showing off all our fancy wedding photos.

This was our [royal] fairytale wedding.  And we remember and loved every bit of it.

And it’s March.

The month of Spring and my husband’s birthday.

T-minus two months to our anniversary, Olivia’s FIRST BIRTHDAY and the big move to the midwest…

So many things happening.  My brain is trying to make room for all of them.

However, something very cool has happened recently.  We cancelled our cable and, instead of missing my TV shows, I feel [liberated].  I guess that’s the best word for it.  I honestly don’t care about the shows I’m missing.  Yes, I still would enjoy them and watch them if I wandered into the room and they were on but I feel no [need] to see them.  I’ve been doing other things like baking fruit for breakfasts, making cookies and bread, reading, planning crafting projects, spending time with my husband actually talking…

It’s been awesome.

I have half a mind to get rid of the television in its entirety but we’re not at that point yet.  It does serve as a baby distraction device in the mornings so I can get dressed.  She bounces in her exersaucer and giggles to her Baby Signing Time DVD while I throw on some clothes or take a lightning fast shower.  Yes, mom of the year, but it works…

shapeless baby feets.  perfect for smooshing.

I’m going on a road trip tomorrow with Olivia.  I get to meet my very first Twitter mama!  Olivia and I are driving about 3 hours north to SC to visit Keli from Kidnapped by Suburbia!  If you don’t read her blog, do it.  Her photos are amazing and her girls are precious and I love her writing.  I cannot wait to meet her and her daughters and her dogs and to sit and talk to her face to face.  It’s going to be so wonderful and [needed] – for both of us.

So good traffic and safe journey vibes for us tomorrow, please?

And some vibes for me.  I can’t really explain it but I just need some good vibes.  I’m trying to figure a LOT of stuff out right now in my own life and my role as a mom, a wife, and a [me] and my brain is tiring trying to untangle it all.

That said… I am happy.

Olivia is cruising now with very little effort.

She is also becoming braver and braver about how much or how tightly she holds onto something….meaning she lets go….a lot.

Then falls.

Gah.

This happened around Thanksgiving in 2005 and has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day but, for some reason, I always think of it when I think of Valentine’s Day.

Stephen and I had only been dating for about three weeks so, when I went to spend Thanksgiving with my dad in Florida, Stephen stayed in Atlanta with his family.

obviously

We talked on the phone a few times.  I mentioned that I was “seeing someone” to my dad and murmured a few details but kept it mostly under my hat.  Which was totally not like me AT ALL.  Usually I prattle on and on

and on

and on

about the guy I’m dating.

But Stephen?

There was [something] I couldn’t quite put my finger on that was [different].

The drive from Atlanta to Fort Myers was about nine hours and I hit traffic on the way back.  I’d left a key with Stephen so he would check on my ferrets while I was gone and, as I was pulling into Atlanta, I called him.  He was at my apartment and waiting for me.

yay

When I got home, late, I sleepily lugged my duffel to my apartment and walked in

and it was empty.

momentary disappointment

I started to unpack, cuddled my ferrets and played with them on the couch.

About ten minutes later, I heard a key in the lock.  Stephen walked through the door with a single rose and apologized for not being there when I arrived.

That [something] pricked at me again…

and I fell in love.

Sooo… at dinner last night we told my parents that we’re planning on moving to St. Louis. Now I think they had already heard whispers and rumors from others in the family since we’ve been discussing the idea on and off for a while now, but I know that didn’t make it any easier to hear.

Right now we’re in a bit of a rut. Over the last couple years our social lives have dwindled down to almost nothing with friends moving away and others dropping out of the picture. Something, I think, that happens to most new parents. On top of that our financial situation has gotten increasingly difficult. Working for Freeworld is and has been nothing short of amazing but prior to going full time there I was a contract developer working for myself. In getting our little business off the ground we got into quite a bit of debt and we’ve really never been able to dig ourselves out. Call it bad luck or a lack of discipline, either way we desperately need a change on that front.

Now either of those issues could be addressed right here in Atlanta with a little effort. I have an amazing amount of family here. All of which has always been and will always be incredibly supportive and open. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to live away from that security. I probably should have gone away to college to get it out of my system. I probably would have immersed myself more and actually graduated, but I ended up staying here because it was easy. Personally I want to make this move to see what life is like without that network of support so close.

Tristina’s family relationships are a bit more complicated than mine. It’s not my place to share details but if you go back through the previous posts she explains most of it. She’s wanted to move back home to work on her relationships with her mom and brother. She’s been living away from them since she went to college. I want to get her back to her family, that’s important to me.

Olivia. This is really the hardest part of the whole thing. I want her to feel the same support and safety I feel from my family.  I also just know that I want her to grow up with other kids her age. She has cousins in St. Louis, Ben and Christian; they’re Tristina’s brother’s kids. They got to hang out over the holidays in St. Louis. It was very cool they got along so well. Tristina and I both grew up with cousins as close friends. I know I want her to get as excited as I once did to go visit my cousin (Hi Liz!).

As for me, I’ll be back often. I would like to work out a plan with work so I’m back in town one week a month to start with. I’ll let everyone know once we’ve figured out what will be best. Tristina has said she’d like to come back with the baby once every few months as well. Right now we would like to stay in Atlanta until after Olivia’s first birthday in May. I still need to work out the details, but that’s the tentative plan.

For the family members that read this blog I know this doesn’t make it easier to deal with, but I hope knowing why helps.

I’ve been trying to write this blog all day but Olivia would have everyone believe she is starvingtodeathomgcomegetmenow.

All day.

Thankfully, Stephen is home now and is napping with her on the couch so I have brief bit of quiet time.  Let’s see how long it lasts.

Last night, my birthday night, was amazing and perfect.  My husband is unbelievably awesome and romantic.

The original plan was to catch the A-Team movie and then get some sushi and sake, two things I was prevented from having during my pregnancy.  He then told me yesterday that, after sushi, he was taking me “somewhere to get a drink.”

So I got all dolled up because I can.

And, leaving Olivia in the very capable hands of Stephen’s parents, we went out for date night.

Unfortunately, by the time I was finished getting ready, explaining things to Stephen’s mom, and we made to Atlantic Station, we’d missed the 5pm showing of A-Team.  Stephen suggested we go across the street to The Grape and grab a glass of wine and maybe we’d catch the next showing at 7pm.

Lo and Behold, The Grape is featuring Spanish wines.

We both miss Spain tremendously and this brought back happy memories of our fabulous honeymoon in Málaga.  We ordered the Spanish Wine Flight, which featured two reds and a white, and a couple of appetizers so the alcohol wouldn’t go straight to my head.

After nearly a year of not drinking, I’m very much a lightweight.

We got to chatting and, can I just say, it was fantastic to sit there with my husband and just talk to him.  I feel like I haven’t just sat and talked with him in forever.

Time wound on and we decided to just forgo the movie and head straight to dinner as we didn’t want to keep his parents up late with the baby and, of course, we wanted to get back to her in a timely manner.

Onto Thaicoon Sushi Bar where I had luscious Nigiri, tasty sushi rolls and smooth, smooth unfiltered Sake.  Cold and delicious.

We stayed there for a while.

It started to rain and Stephen, looking disappointed, mentioned the rain was probably going to ruin his surprise for me.  Thoroughly confused as to what it was, I told him to just take me there anyway.  Thankfully the rain let up and nearly stopped by the time we reached our destination.

The Sun Dial restaurant at the top of the Westin Hotel – the tallest hotel in the Western Hemisphere (according to them).  The Sun Dial spins and offers unbelievable views of Atlanta and the surrounding areas.  We didn’t make it for sunset but it was still amazing anyway.  I’d never been up there so it was a real treat.  Our waitress, upon hearing it was my birthday, brought me my champagne with a strawberry on the rim and a birthday candle in the strawberry.  It was so cute!

Then we had the most amazing gooey fudge brownie for dessert.  I swear, that thing should be illegal.  It was positively sinful.

We start our diets next week…

And, to top it all off, he told me that as soon as he gets a check he’s expecting from his company, I’m getting a Netbook for my birthday present!  I’ve been wanting one for a long time because I want to start back into my writing again but want the portability because of the baby.  I’m so excited!

My husband is win.

Right, so the fifth prompt on Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop this week was my idea and I was so utterly happy she picked mine because she’s not only super pretty but super cool and has super cute children.

I want to be Mama Kat when I grow up–

What?  She might read this?

Oh, right.  *clears throat*

Anyway.

The normal rules are to write for one of the prompts and then submit it to her site on Thursday.  I had every intention of doing so yesterday but, as we all know, the day can get away from you.

I went out on a truly awesome girl’s afternoon with my mother-in-law, her mom and one of our cousins.  We had Thai food then Grandma bought everyone a mani/pedi and I got to sit in a massage chair.

Yes.

And, to top it all off, Olivia was extremely well-behaved the whole time.  She slept mostly and only got a little fussy in the salon when she got hungry, but she timed it to where my pedi was done when she was ready so it was all good.  Plus everyone really loved seeing her and holding her and taking lots of pictures of her.

By the time I got home, it was late and I was exhausted from my whopping four hours of sleep total the night before and just being out and about and “on” for a whole afternoon.  I crashed for about three hours and then parked myself on the couch and didn’t move.

But I wanted to still put up my response to my prompt and have a little fun.  So here goes, a day late.

5.) The ultimate honey-do list. If your spouse agreed to do any ten things you asked, what would they be?

Top Ten Honey-Do

1. Using whatever method you deem necessary (as long as you get away with it), procure a rather large suitcase full of cash.
2. Back rub.  It’s taxing carrying that baby around all the time and the muscles could use some lovin’.
3. Fix or replace the towel rod in the master bath.  That thing has been broken for months and I’d like to use it sometime before our lease is up on this house.
4. If you go out to lunch during work to a place you know I would love and will be extremely jealous you went, then bring me home something…..and a Krispy Kreme.
5. Back rub.  No, really.  This is important to me.
6. Using aforementioned suitcase full of cash, hire Mike Holmes to build us a kickass house on a plot of land that has a lake.
7. Until the house is built, use more of the suitcase full of cash to hire a yard guy because, face it, we aren’t going to keep up with the yard while we have a newborn.
8. Hire me a maid to come in here once a month and scrub this place.  That would be the bestest present in the whole wide world.
9. Clean up all the spider and bug guts on the walls where you’ve massacred the little creepy crawlies.  I’m eternally grateful for your bugicidal tendencies but I would rather the smeared reminders be gone as well.
10. Mmmm….back rub….

There.  I don’t think any of that is outlandish.

Not at all.

Now to go deliver the list…

How was everyone’s Easter?  I hope fantastic in whatever way you chose to celebrate it.

Stephen and I had an amazingly productive weekend despite my aches and pains and general unwieldiness.  I paid for it a little last night when my feet decided to swell a bit, but I’m quite proud of how long I lasted and how much we accomplished.

First off, this past weekend was gorgeous which goes a long way towards helping my can-do attitude.  When it’s cold or rainy or just generally dreary, all I want to do is curl up on the couch.  I don’t think I’m alone here.  Having the “with child” excuse makes it so much easier to do.  But when it’s happy and sunny, I want to get stuff done.

So we went shopping.

Nursery!

Stephen and I looked over our registry briefly and picked out a few items we wanted to go ahead and get to have a more completed look to the nursery before the shower on Saturday.  One of which is a glider!  So. Happy.

We ended up finding a really nice walnut finish glider with khaki suede cushions that was a breeze to put together.  It has little pockets on the sides for stuff – I imagine it will be filled with burpies and rattles eventually.  The wood is a darker finish than the rest of the nursery furniture, but I don’t mind.  We have darker wood in our bedroom and blonde wood in our living room so it will go with and/or compliment any room we eventually migrate it to if we ever remove it from the nursery.

You want a sneak peek, don’t you?

Fine.  But only because I love you so much.

That’s all you get.

Speaking of nursery, we finally got it all arranged and secured to various walls so she won’t pull shelves over on herself or knock the dresser over when she decides to dance on it.  It looks awesome.  A friend of ours bought us some wooden letters that spell her name to put up on the wall.  I still need to get a rug and a few other wall items but I’m going to wait until after the shower to do that.

*hint, hint*

Currently, I’m washing all the baby clothes and blankets I have so far.  I figured I’d do all of what I have now, get it put away, then do whatever we receive at the shower so it doesn’t seem like an overwhelming amount of laundry.  Besides, it’s so much fun to hang up her little dresses and fill up her dresser with stacks of onesies.

Little things, yes.

Baby Baking!

In mom and baby news, I’m slowly trucking along.  She’s officially run out of room to really kick so she’s taken to a lot of squirming and pushing.  She has decided she loves the right side of my belly underneath my ribs and huddles there as much as she can.  It gives me a rather hilarious lopsided appearance.  The fun part is, she responds to Stephen when he moves her.  He’ll gently tap the opposite of my belly and start talking to her and she’ll slowly move towards the tapping and his voice.  It’s pretty cool to watch, actually.  And I’m so happy she responds to him already.

I am just shy of five weeks left and, strangely, not feeling nearly as overwhelmed as I was a few weeks ago.  Maybe it was getting all the nursery furniture set up or getting her clothing washed, but I’m back to the excited part of having a baby.  And the “I’m ready” part.  Yes, I’ll miss some things about being pregnant but I am, truthfully, really looking forward to having my lung capacity back and my ability to stand/walk for longer periods of time.

And my jeans.  I miss my really cute “my ass looks awesome in these” jeans.

Our last OB appointment went well.  She has a strong, healthy heartbeat and is right on track sizewise.  Due date is still May 12!

Another sneak peek because I can’t resist.

The best news I was saving for last.

Career Boost!

Stephen’s job just got even more awesome.

For the past two years, Stephen and I have owned a company called KryptoniteLABS, LLC.  He’s done all of his work as a contractor through that company.  When we started, we had a handful of clients, mostly small companies.  A website here.  A website there.

About a year ago, he was contacted by a guy who owns a social media firm here in town and has been working for him pretty much exclusively since then doing some really cool things.  Our other clients have pretty much dropped off the radar – which is fine since my ability to sit and design at my computer is limited to how long my hips can stay in a sitting position.

After his boss had a nice long chat with accountants and other people-who-know-what-they’re-doing, we are thrilled to announce that, as of April 1, Stephen has been hired full time at Free World Media.  Salary, benefits, profit sharing, bonus structure, paid paternity leave, the whole nine.

This is huge for us.  This means more stability overall and the ability for us to do some actual financial planning.  We have some things we’d like to pay off this year and we’d like to start moving towards owning our own house in the near future.  This gets us one step closer to those goals.  So, we couldn’t be happier about this.

All in all, April is shaping up to be a great month.  We are super busy with all the last minute purchases, the baby shower (in five days!!), a few classes we’re taking towards the end of the month, and the milestone full-term at 37 weeks (April 21).

Almost there!

I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and alone right now.

I started my Happy project to combat this, but it feels like each day gets harder and harder to stay positive and optimistic.  I feel like I’ve been crying for two weeks straight.

Wednesday marks 32 weeks.  Just 8 short weeks until she’s here and I’m so overcome with all the to-do’s left on the list.  I feel like the house is a wreck.  We haven’t been able to buy her furniture for her nursery yet.  We haven’t been able to get her anything yet, really, save a couple of random items here and there.

Stephen got another partial paycheck today.  We were expecting the whole thing so we could catch up on bills and get caught back up to where we needed to  be on our to-do list.  No such luck and it honestly felt like we were blindsided with this.  He doesn’t know when the remainder will be available.  Plus, he has no idea when his next one will come (which, in a normal world, it would be coming this week).  It is so unbelievably stressful to watch due dates go by and late fees accumulate with no way to address it.

The hospital has started calling us asking us where their money is.  Our insurance refuses to cover my maternity because I fell within the stupid 12-month pre-existing condition window.  We fought them.  It didn’t work.  So we have to pay for everything related to my prenatal care out of pocket.  It’s been hell, to put it bluntly.  Now, we received an estimated bill for her delivery and we have no idea how we’re going to pay it in the midst of everything else going on.  And that bill is based on a completely 100% normal, no complications birth.  Now we both hope and pray that her birth is 100% normal with no complications but we aren’t 100% hoping that for her sake which is wrong to me.  We’re 95% hoping that for her sake and another 5% hoping that so we don’t have to owe more money we don’t have.

I feel so guilty for thinking that.  I’m already a bad mother and she isn’t even born yet.

We are better people than this.

My shower is in four weeks.  The excitement I feel for it is marred by the fact that some close friends of mine won’t be there for various reasons.  It just adds to the alone feeling I have through all this.  See, I don’t view a baby shower as a “oh I get to get stuff” party.  I view it as a coming together of friends and family to support a couple in a huge step in their lives.  This is why you usually only see a shower for the first baby and that’s it.  The presents are just bonus and, honestly, I don’t care as much about that as I care about having people stand up and show their support for Stephen and I as we move into a very overwhelming, scary, and unknown part of our lives.  It’s why we made the shower co-ed – so Stephen could have friends there to support him as well.

Stephen and I each deal with stress differently.  I vacillate between angry and crying.  He gets very distant and withdrawn.  Those don’t mesh well.  He wants to work it out in his head or just do something else so he doesn’t have to think about it; and I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay or to see some sort of proactive “we’re going to do x, y, and z to see if this works” something.  So the result is we get snippy with each other.  Not good.  Then I feel guilty.

And I know all this stress isn’t good for the baby.  Any time I start to cry, she gets agitated and that makes me feel even worse.

I want to be enjoying this time being pregnant.  I want to be able to pay my bills.  I want to get her things for her nursery.  I want to honestly completely totally look forward to my shower.  I want to spend one day without bad news.  I want to laugh with my husband again.

I just want all of this to be over with.