Writer’s Workshop: Moms

Out of all the writing prompts for todays Writer’s Workshop, I had to pick the most personal one.

5.) Mother’s Day is coming…what is the secret behind the close bond you have with your mom? OR What do you do to create that close bond with your kids?

For those of you who have been under a rock or new to my blog, I’m about to become a mother for the first time in just a few weeks.  It’s definitely given me pause and caused me to look back on my own relationship with my mom.

If you met my mom and I right now, you couldn’t imagine that two people would ever have anything remotely bad happen between them other than the usual nitpicking while growing up.  We enjoy a lot of the same things, trade books, buy each other clothes, she goes overboard on any gift-giving holiday for both her kids (and her grandkids).  She’s the one I call when I’m seriously pregnant and hormonal so I can vent about something completely innocuous that just upset the hell out of me.

Short version, we’re extremely close.

The secret behind it?

We didn’t speak for four years.

Now, before I go any further, I do not advocate this as a method for curing any sort of parent-child relationship issue.  You hear about parents and children ceasing communication all the time for various reasons and it’s sad.  No matter why it happens or whose fault it is, it’s sad and it should never happen (in an ideal world…).  Sometimes communication is rekindled and sometimes they never speak again.

As far as my mom and I are concerned, there were a lot of factors that led to what happened between us and fault on both sides.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am extremely stubborn.  I am also fairly independent.  I have, I will admit, calmed down on that aspect a lot as I’ve “grown up” but there was a time where I wanted to do what I wanted to do and you were damned if you were going to try to stop me.  I’m also very smart which has its benefits and its drawbacks.  Combine all those together and you have someone who can really think for herself who is choosing to carve her own path no matter what anyone says.

My mom and dad were married when they were very young.  I was born before my mom turned 20.  Thinking back on my pre-20 years, I cannot fathom having a child.  I was young, immature (still am to some extent…), had no clue who I was honestly or what I even wanted to do.  So the thought of adding a child to the mix is just mind-boggling.  The point is, my mom grew up right alongside us in a very different way and gave up a lot in the process – college, horseback riding (we’re talking Olympic level here) and many other things to raise a family.  And she says she was fine with it and, if given the choice, she wouldn’t change a thing but it’s still somewhat regretful that she did give up those things.

So you have two people still learning who they are but at two very different stages in life.

Basically, our relationship completely fell apart when I went to college.  She was very protective of me which I interpreted as smothering.  She didn’t want me to make bad decisions or get myself into anything that I would regret later.  I wanted her to back off and let me actually figure things out on my own.  She wanted me to have the opportunities she never had.  I wanted to explore and read and learn and study whatever I wanted to with no regard for “What the hell am I going to do with this after college?”

What it came down to was I didn’t understand where she was coming from and she didn’t understand where I was coming from and communication went down the toilet.

It all came to a head on my 21st birthday through a fight on the phone and me hanging up on her and us not speaking for the next four years.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if things had continued down that path.  Would we still be at odds today?  Would things have eventually worked themselves out?  Who would I be today?  Who would she be?

During those four years, I made a LOT of mistakes.  I also made a lot of great decisions.  I grew up – I figured myself out (kind of).  And I did it on my own and it was what I needed to do.  I needed to screw up royally and then get back on my feet and solve the issue.

My mom grew up a little as well.  She began to read more.  Her horse farm flourished.  I would even venture to say she relaxed a bit and learned to enjoy life a bit more.

So, four years down the road when we did speak again, it was from different angles on both sides and we were, in a weird twisted way, better people for it.

A hiatus from each other is what made the bond with my mom stronger, in my opinion.  Was it the best idea?  Probably not.  But it’s what happened through the course of events and we went with it and used it the best way we knew how.  And it somehow made us better people and we appreciate each other more.

Now, I’m not hoping something like this needs to happen between Olivia and I.  I cross my fingers and hope that we can weather anything.  But I know that no matter what happens, I will do my best to make sure she knows she is loved.