30 Weeks and “Emotional” is an Understatement

Hooray, 30 weeks.  It’s definitely a milestone event even though we won’t be doing belly pics today.  30 is a milestone number in most subjects and this is no different.  As of today, I have anywhere from 7-12 weeks to go (I hope it’s closer to 7, to be honest).

March, thus far, hasn’t been the best of months.  Yes, I know it’s only the 3rd.  I’ve been doing my Finding the Happy project in an effort to try to look on the positive side of things and it helps.  Kinda.

The stress of the fact we’re having a baby in about two months has hit us both and we each deal with it in a different manner.  I’m stressing because I still feel like there’s so much to do and not enough time or money to get it all done.  The whole “am I going to be a good mom” keeps rearing its ugly head and biting the back of my mind everyday.  I’m having crazy dreams and generally not sleeping well.

Our money problems feel like they get worse instead of better no matter what plans we make or what budget we follow.  Stephen’s paycheck is late again this month which pushes everything back, makes bills late (which stresses us both out even more), and adds to my “stuff isn’t getting done” stress because I have to postpone certain shopping trips…like food.  And baby furniture.  And food.

A pregnant woman without food does not a happy household make.

It’s just frustrating because that is something neither of us can control no matter how hard or how many hours he works.

I won’t go into our financial issues in detail here because this isn’t that post but suffice to say we really were not financially prepared to have a kid yet.  I guess no one ever is (unless you’re blessed with money) but we really, honestly were not.  The medical debt (stupid insurance company not covering my maternity) added to our current debt is enough to send anyone into fits and my mind is constantly spinning trying to figure out how we’re going to climb out of this hole we’re in.

But, as soon as we come up with a plan, something happens.  Something always happens and it sets us back again.  Forget about getting ahead – we’d just like to catch up.  I just keep thinking, “How can I be a good parent if I can barely pay my own bills or put food on the table?”

I guess Stephen coming home Monday without a paycheck was the proverbial last straw.  I pretty much dissolved into tears right there and have been fighting them everyday since then.

Because of this, there are things happening this month that are put into jeopardy, namely one of my best friend’s weddings and Stephen’s birthday.

Added to my stress is the baby shower next month, which I know is silly.  And stupid to boot.  Why stress about a baby shower?  I’m not planning it and people are buying us stuff!  I just can’t keep the “what if people don’t buy us what we actually need” and “what if people don’t get us anything” and “what if people buy us stuff we didn’t even ask for and don’t need” and “what if no one comes” thoughts from spinning around.  I know, I can’t control that and we’ll deal with it when/if that happens and I’m sure the vast majority of any gifts we are lucky enough to receive will be things we need and can use.

It’s the whole snowball effect – once you start stressing about one perfectly legitimate thing (in this case, money and debt), a whole host of completely nonsensical things worm their way in.

The stress is definitely not healthy for me and I’ve been trying to do what I can to relax – tea, water, hot showers, moving around, getting rest, etc.  I wish the weather were nicer so I could go on a walk and just get a lot of this cooped up stress out of my system.

Physically, I’m alright.  My midwife suggested a maternity support belt to help ease the pressure on my hips and lower back.  It’s definitely helping, which is nice.  Being able to walk with only a minor limp instead of struggling to get from one room to the other is rather nice.  I’m still very tired and having trouble sleeping due to general aches and breathing difficulties.

Baby is healthy as far as I can tell.  She moves around a lot more now during the day and late at night.  She’s had the hiccups so much the last few days as, I guess, she’s practicing breathing.  That is a seriously odd feeling…

I apologize if this sounds like a whine-fest.  I don’t mean it to, but sometimes it helps if I just scatter my thoughts out on paper.  I know we’ll be good parents and she won’t need much, especially at first.  She’s healthy and I’m healthy (for the most part) so I should take comfort and happiness in that.

I still want to scream and cry into a pillow lately, though…

Who wants to bring me a big easter basket filled with jelly beans and chocolate?